Posts published during February, 2006

13 comments

February 7, 2006

Shit Outta Luck

If you visited the haus earlier today, you’ll notice that the previous post has magically disappeared. I removed it because I’m all about the quality, and quite frankly, Previous Post did not past the sniff test.GoldenCorral.gif

But you know what does? EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA! That shit is comedy gold!

That being said, and without further ado I present:

The Incredible Ryan’s Steakhouse Story or Hey, that’s totally happened to me before! (Because it has. But I was at the Diarrhea Corral).

Don’t click unless you want to laugh like some sort of deranged maniac and possibly pee your pants in the process.

(FYI – for all your adult diaper needs, please see mrtl or say hello to ancient geezer, ScottyGee.)

15 comments

February 5, 2006

Poop du Jour

Whilst cutting up a hormone-free, antibiotic-free, grass-fed piece of beauty beef, I was sure to save a strip for the kittinks.

(Don’t freak. It’s good for them. Acidic by nature, cats’ stomachs do better with raw meat than Meow Mix … Who knew, right? The Nutrition Nazi, that’s who! Mwa ha ha.)

But anyway, as I watched the cats circle like hungry vultures to road kill, like sharks to their prey, or like Mariah Carey to a buffet line (hee), I just knew that the savory sirloin would really rock their socks.

It would be like Christmas. I would be a wise man. I’d come bearing beef.

So, after a few minutes I’d cleared the butcher block and it was time to present the succulent selection. For Bella, I chose the juiciest, reddest, and most mouthwatering morsel of meat ever seen by man or cat.

Eyes wide with anticipation, my darling Belle sniffed her steak twice, batted once … and then – without so much as giving the thing a lick – sauntered her ass right out of the room.

It was insulting really. Especially since yesterday I caught her barfing up 36 inches of shoelace, most likely fished from a stinking bag of trash.

Oh yeah, and this is gross too:

This morning, after accidentally bumping into it, Bella totally licked her brother’s butt. And that’s bad, because there’s a reason we call our boy “Stinky Sphynxy.”
Stinx_Butt.jpg

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Today is the last day to enter the Randy Jackson What’s Up Dawg Contest. Don’t forget that in addition to the grand prize, I’ll also be awarding boobies!

You like boobies, right? Well, if you love boobies, you should send me an e-mail telling me so. And in that e-mail you should also include your guess for how many times Randy will say “dawg” on American Idol this season! Woo!

9 comments

February 3, 2006

This Spud’s For You

I’ve been thing about the expression, you are what you eat. If that’s really true than I am sweet potatoes.

sweet-potato_2.jpgSome say I’m a jackass, but really I’m sweet (potato.)

If I am indeed – as I have long suspected – not human, but actually tangerine-colored tuber, then boy, things are gonna have to change around here.

Angelface, in an effort to save a couple bucks on electricity, has been turning off the air at night. This would be okay if we lived in – say – the frozen wastelands of Alaska where folks need a/c like J-lo needs more ass, but you know what? Angel and I, we live in F*-ing Hot Florida.

When you live in F*-ing Hot Florida, having the a/c on 24/7 is non-negotiable. It’s not a novelty; it’s a necessity, no different than other life-sustaining substances, RE: water, oxygen, American Idol, and organic raisins.

So yeah Angel, if your Sweetie is a potato, then you need to stop this turning-off-the-a/c-at-night shit immediately. If you don’t, things could end up real bad between us.

I can see the headline now:

“Man With Potato for Wife Refuses To Turn on A/C At Night, Wakes Up Next to Pile of Veggie Crisps In Morning.”

… Yes, it has been extremely hot in my apartment lately.
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Last chance! Enter the Randy Jackson What’s Up Dawg Contest before it’s too effing late….Too effing late is Sunday, btw.

28 comments

February 1, 2006

United States of Hysteria

I’m not really a political person. I never watch the news –mostly because it’s always bad. And I rarely tune into televised presidential addresses –mostly because I know that watching them will actually make me dumber (being that I find it necessary to kill brain cells binge drinking after about the fifth time the leader of the free world mispronounces “nu-cu-lar”… but I digress.)

Yes, so I’m an idiot about politics, and predictably – because I didn’t want to be hung over on Hump Day – I avoided watching the State of the Union last night. This morning, however (and omg!), I did visit CNN.com for the recap.

Most of the crap Bush said was boring statecraft-speak. I’ll spare you my analysis on these matters. What I will talk about is the State of Cindy Sheehan, peace activist and enemy of the Haus of Bush.

It’s no secret that Cindy Sheehan has an axe to grind with El Presidente. After her son was killed in Iraq, Cindy made International news when, in August 2005, she held a lengthy demonstration at a peace camp outside GDub’s Texas ranch.

Last night, as a guest of Democrat, Lynne Woolsey of California, Cindy was invited to attend the State of the Union address… and she did, before she got arrested.

I think it’s because she messed with Texas, but the media reports that Sheehan was forcibly ejected from the peanut State gallery because she refused to conceal her anti-war t-shirt.

The arresting officers called Cindy’s fashion faux pas “unlawful conduct.”

Hilton_boobies.jpg Mommy Hilton’s got me me convinced: there outta be a law against drinking and drooping.

Now I read Celebrity Smack, so I am well aware of the need for Fashion Police.I mean, damn, after peeping Mommy Hilton’s nipples via see-through blouse, my first thought was to contact my Senator and demand that we enact a law forbidding old brods from exposing their not-so-fun-bags. But you know what? I never made that call, because it’s STUPID to punish someone for their attire… Even if their name is Tara Reid and their excessive show of greasy boobs gives you heartburn on a bi-weekly basis… but I digress (again!)

But yeah, Angel and I were talking about Cindy and her t-shirt, and we think it was very patriotic of Mrs. Sheehan to express her opinion at a political rally, Bush be damned.

This is still a free country, right? I don’t know. I’m getting kind of confused. Like I said earlier, me -I’m no political pundit.

All I know is, I used to think I lived in the United States of America, but as of late, I’m pretty sure I’m residing in the United States of What The F*-?!
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Update: The AP reports today (Feb. 2) that Cindy Sheehan has been released with apologies from the Capitol Police Chief… Seems they weren’t supposed to arrest her for that t-shirt after all, imagine that!

Jackasses.

Thanks for the heads up Dima ________________________________________________________
In less depressing news, and pertaining to programming we actually enjoy watching here at the haus, American Idol will be airing tonight – don’t miss it.

And if you haven’t played yet, I’m still accepting entries for the Randy Jackson What’s Up Dawg Contest. Enter today, because not entering is – simply – unAmerican.

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