Posts published during January, 2006

21 comments

January 11, 2006

Nutrition Nazi Eats Green. Sees Red.

I am – as many of you know – a hardcore Nutrition Nazi. A firm believer in the beauty of complex carbohydrates, I eat multiple pounds of vegetables every day. And just in case I don’t get enough nutrition from the sweet potatoes, swiss chard, squash, and celery, I add some good old fashioned plant pigment – that’s liquid chlorophyll for those who speak hippy – to my Evian

Resultantly, I’m so fiber-rich it isn’t funny (except when getting a rectal exam, of course).

So yeah, because I’m a Nutrition Nazi, I couldn’t resist accompanying my coworkers to the Sweet Tomatoes salad buffet for lunch. If you’ve never been, this place is a regular Shangri-la for Veg Heads like me, because literally 85% of the offerings include garden-fresh greens.

And that pretty much rules, being that roughage rocks my socks (and my buttocks) … but I digress.

Anyway, in addition to some really stellar salads, Sweet Tomatoes also has pasta, soup, fresh baked breads and frozen yogurt. It’s the latter item, the cold confection if you will, that caused the Nutrition Nazi to get a wee bit heated.

It started out innocently enough. Manuel, plopping himself into the booth, held in one hand a homemade sundae. It was beautiful really – A perfect peak of vanilla yogurt was crowned by crunchy, crushed oreos and then drizzled with a ribbon of golden, gooey caramel.

I was cool with the caramel. What got me was the sprinkles. They were freakin green.

“Manuel,” I said, “why do you suppose the sprinkles are green? Saint Patrick’s day is like three months away.”

With a mischievous grin and without missing a beat, my clever coworker said, “The sprinkles are green because they’re healthy.”

And then, because my eyebrows weren’t raised dangerously high enough, he followed up his initial bit of blasphemy with “All green things are healthy.”

…. Um yeah. And Mariah Carey is *not* shoving food in her pie hole any time songs aren’t coming out of it.

Yes it’s true dear hannihaus readers, there are lots of healthy green things, spinach, apples, and split peas, just to name a few. But for every “good” green thing, I can think of a whole slew of others that are not only unhealthy, but are downright nastay.

Let’s take for example:

I just want to get something straight here folks. Sprinkles are *not* healthy, even if they are a pleasant shade of pine…. That being said, I will admit there are worse things that you could consume.
sprinkles1.jpg

9 comments

January 10, 2006

Basketball Jones

I guess a lot of people like sports (nacho, village idiot, scottygee, etc.), and in an effort rock this blog, I thought maybe I should incorporate new topics, such as athletics, into the manic mix.

mariahThe only problem is, I am to sports what Mariah Carey is to moderate eating –completely effing incompetent.

I do try though. A few days back I tagged along with Angelface and 50 Chinese kids (long story) to an Orlando Magic game where I hoped to: a) find something interesting to blog about, and b) purchase a big old pretzel with some stanky, skanky processed “cheese” on the side (I think Mimi would approve!)

Before the game officially started there was a light show and some sort of roll call-type thing. At the end of the presentation the announcer said “These are your Orlaaaando Magic!”, and when the lights went up there were 10 guys standing on the court.

And I was confused. Because if I know anything about Orlando basketball – and it’s clear that I don’t – I know our colors are blue and white, yet half the 10-person team was dressed in orange! I asked Angel what was going on. “Baby,” he said, “those are the Bobcats. That’s the other team.”

Woops.

Anyway, there was lots of running that night – mostly back and forth. And there was some jumping – mostly up and down. And in the interim I guess some points were made.

It’s true that in the third quarter Orlando Magic superstar, Whats-His-Name McBigBalls did a little slam dunkage, but for my money the most entertaining part of the game came at a TV-timeout when, during the Burger King build-a-burger relay, the lady in front of me kept screaming “Move your buns!” at some kid dressed as a whopper.

Burgers? Buns? Relays? That’s pure comedy gold folks!

And with that, we’ll wrap up this installment of Hannihaus, the sports edition. Come back next time when I recount my experiences on the soccer field in a little segment I’ll call “Soccer: It’s a real kick… in the balls.”

16 comments

January 8, 2006

Nuts To You!

Welcome, dear hannihaus readers, to week two of 2006. It’s no longer the “new year” per se, and predictably, some of my goals have already fallen by the wayside. My teeth, for example, have not been flossed once in 2006. My arms, resembling the flaccid, flabby wings of a chicken would benefit from the pilates I’ve not done. And call me a man if you must, but I have not remembered to shut the dad-gum toilet lid once in 10 days.

On the flip side, my cats’ resolution to play Panty Raider with my unmentionables is going quite well. It’s really been great finding my padded bras and that embarrasing bridal shower thong with the veil on the booty strewn about the living room in a glorious and garish display… especially when friends and maintenance men are over…but I digress.

In any event, if there’s one resolution I intend to keep, dear hannihaus readers, it’s my resolution to rock.

And you know what really rocks?

My über -manly, grunting/farting/belching Better Half proclaiming his love for “hot nuts”, whilst out with friends on a weekend night.

Even better, when his declaration falls on ears otherwise occupied with the sounds of a martini bar in full yuppie swing, he raises his voice to loudly exclaim:

“I really love those hot nuts you get on the streets!”

… Of course this utterance must occur at a moment when the din dies down causing a shocked WASP at the next table over to choke on her cheesy, chicken cordon bleu.

And then you get to giggle, because you know Angelface has an affinity for almonds. When your man talks about “hot nuts” he’s referring to street vendors and sugared pecans *not* street walkers and dangling fun bags.

But they don’t know that.

Hee hee!

12 comments

January 6, 2006

Now I Get It

I gotta be honest. All this talk about me being a four-eyed, fat-ass, horse face –I just didn’t get it. But then I remembered that awkward phase I went through for about a week in junior high…

hanni_horse_2.jpg

14 comments

January 5, 2006

Knives Out

Holy shit kids! Apparently I’m a very Controversial Miss, as, for the second day in a row, my little ass had gotten in t-r-o-u-b-l-e.

Tuesday Mariah Carey brought the drama. I got (lamely) lambasted by an MC fanatic – a Mimi minion, if you will – after posting on super snarky blog, Celebrity Smack that the singin’ diva was looking positively Poppin Fresh on New Years Eve in a too-tight, winter white wrapper.

I personally thought comparing the Diva to the Doughboy was pretty effing clever, but I guess, Jennifer “Mariah is my homeboy” Fangurl thought otherwise.

Meh.

So let’s fast forward to Weds. Again, I’m at the ‘Smack, and because everybody else is doing it, I decide to leave a comment. Before I go to post my note, (something about crotch rot and conjunctivitis), I notice that some anonymous jackass has gone on a bent, attacking blog mistress, Spicy Pants!, because she made the inference that male strippers (this guy’s ilk) were straight up skeezy.

And Spicy was right. Although the Queer Eyes might tell you differently, sausage does not a sexy stripper make…

But I digress.

So, being the good samaritan that I am, I defended Spicy against Deuce Bigalow by leaving a disquieting comment that contained the words “your stripping-ass jock” and “crabs.” …Because I am nothing, if not classy.

And wouldn’t you know – because that’s just been my luck as of late – my good deed kicked up a shit storm of controversy!

The short story is, someone mistook my post for the nastygram left by the Disgruntled Stripper and made quick work to harangue me, mixing the Stripper’s words with those found on my hannihaus profile. The malcontent was sure to criticize my education, this blog and my personal appearance.

And what I want to know is, how come when anyone’s got beef with my bitch-ass, (especially when it’s unwarranted), they feel it’s necessary to talk smack about my spectacles?

Yes I wear glasses. They help me to see things. I also brush my teeth twice daily and wash behind my ears when I’m in the shower. Anyone want to talk trash about that?

Anyway, for a good time, you can check out the full – and highly hilarious – hannihaus/celebrity smack/strippin-ass scandal by clicking right here.

Cheers to pissing off player haters! Til next, dear hannihaus readers, adieu.

38 comments

January 3, 2006

Nastygram

In thinking about what I’d write today, I thought I might blog about how Stinky Sphynxy woke me up this morning – I.e. with his little, scaly tongue lodged in my armpit, licking like I was made out of organic kitty kibble – but that, dear hannihaus readers, would be admittedly lame.

And I made a resolution yesterday. What was it again? To suck in 2006? Nope! I resolved to rock this blog, and that, thanks to a little audience participation, is what we’re gonna do.

You see, I was minding my own business, going about my day when – suddenly – I received the first nastygram of 2006!

It was beautiful. I called it “Fresh content –Poppin’ Fresh content.”

Mariah It all started innocently enough. This morning I was surfing the ‘Smack, and as is my custom, I talked some trash in comments. Inspired by a series of truly heinous Mariah Carey New Years pics, I was prompted to post that the singer looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

I mean seriously. Look at that pose and the white I’ma-bout-to-bust-outta-this dress she’s wearing and tell me you don’t think she’d go “hoo-hoo” if you poked her belly. I’m just being real folks, just being real.

So anyway, several hours later disgruntled Mariah fangurl, “Jennifer” stopped by the haus, and here’s what she had to say:

“Ok first of all I found you by your comment on CelebritySmack. You called Mariah Carey a Pillsberry Dough Boy…Have you looked In the mirror lately???? She Is a billion times better looking then YOU! I guarantee that ANY man would pick her over your four eyed horse face…Your New Years Resolution should be to get plastic surgery for your nose,eyes,and chin to look more feminine and to Lose some Weight..have you heard of a gym???? Maybe you should stop Blogging for a while and turn to Jogging.”

Mmmm k, Jenny. A few things:

1. You misquoted me. I called Mariah Carey a Pillsbury Doughboy. I’m not familiar with the “Pillsberry” Dough Boy, but I imagine he spends his days hanging out with his cousin, the dim-witted Dingleberry.

2. Yes I have looked in the mirror lately. It’s something I, and billions of other people do on a daily basis, because, you know, it’s comforting to see that reflection and know you’re not a blood-sucking vampire.

3. Do you really think Mariah “Is” a billion times better looking than ME? One billion is a big number. I’d venture to say she’s only 999 million times better… for me to poop on.

4. Where do you get off calling me a four-eyed horse face? You obviously know nothing about me, because if you did, you’d know to call me “four-eyed buttface” or “four-eyed fartface” –At least that’s what they said last time I had to endure such lame, juvie name calling. I was six. It was 1985.

5. Yes maybe my New Years resolution should be to get plastic surgery and lose some weight. The only problem is, despite your grandiose impressions of me, I’m genetically pretty small, and if I lost weight I’d probably end up looking like Skeletor or Nicole Richie (same thing). Now Jen, if I was getting plastic surgery to gain weight – say in those areas where I’m seriously lacking (*eh hem* boobs) – well, that might work out just fine.

6. Yes I have heard of a gym. Haven’t you?

7. Good suggestion about stopping blogging and starting jogging, but I think what this post has taught us is that we don’t need to toil on the treadmill in order to get all hot and bothered. For spewing your verbal diarrhea all over my bright, shiny blog, I thank you.
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And I’m spent. Tune in the for the next thrilling installment, dear hannihaus readers, where I inevitably receive tons of hate mail in response to this post. Huzzah!

9 comments

January 2, 2006

Viva La Resolution

This is the last one folks. As we usher in the New Year, it’s time to bid a fond farewell to that charming game of word play that has sustained us so well.

On days when I could think of nothing better to post than stories of jock itch and mustachioed men, mrtl’s Motif Monday provided an entire arsenal of blogging ammo to thrill and delight you, dear hannihaus readers –all without having to resort to talk of fungal infections and fu manchus.

… Now writing about my hairy hobbit toes, well that’s a different story. I’m here to tell you, dear hannihaus readers, that no matter what – no matter if the sky starts falling and we’ve got to eat clouds for breakfast – as long as I have them, (pending nuclear winter or a bizarre farm-machinery accident), I will always, always blog about my ten tufted tootsies …

I hope this helps you to sleep well at night.

So yes, today’s theme and the final installment of Motif Monday is “resolved.”

Now I could do like everyone else and write about sleeping more, eating less, wearing deodorant and bathing on a regular basis, blah, blah, blah. Or I could tell you my true intentions.

In 2006:

I resolve to rock.

I’m gonna rock this blog hard-style, giving you the good stuff each and every day … or as often as I feel like posting anyway. And there’s going to be some amazing content. We’re talking really stellar stuff! I can’t really tell you what it’ll be, since I haven’t written it yet. But I bet it’s going to be really good.

Like organic-raisin good.

Or even like boys-who-wear-makeup good.

And in a nice segue, because every rockin new year needs a rock star, I resolve that in 2006 I am going to own (MCR lead-singer) Gerard Way’s sexy ass. Yes, dear hannihaus readers, I plan to purchase and play with the entire collection of My Chemical Romance action figures as soon as they become available at the Hot Topic in my area …

Or when adoring fans of the haus send them to me via USPS and I give those dear hearts the world’s greatest shout out *hint hint*… but I digress (and wait in anticipation – hee!)

mcr action figures

Oh yeah, and from now on, every day is Gerard Way day. And that’s official. My new friend anissaannalise (who is quite possibly more obsessed with Geeheart than I am) says so on her blog.

And with that final proclamation, I declare this, the first post of 2006, and the last post of the institution that is Motif Monday, done. Let us all sing a verse of Auld Lang Syne as we toast this bittersweet occasion.

Cheers to you, dear hannihaus readers. I want to wish you all the very best for this fabulous New Year. Let’s do it to it in 2006.

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