Pet Peeve: Reckless Drivers
December 7th, 2005You driving like a bat outta hell through the suburban streets of Orlando – I think Dennis Leary a song about you. It’s called “I’m An Asshole”.
Giving literal meaning to the phrase “bitch on wheels”, your practice of pissing off passersby with unnecessary 15-second blasts on the horn is spectacular. It’s like you’ve been doing this all your life. It’s like you’ve been practicing for the Arsehole Olympics since you were five. I bet for Christmas that year, instead of dolls, your mom gave you steel-toed shoes and told you to kick the neighbor boy in the balls with them.
Because you’re obviously lacking the intellectual faculties that tell normal people to stop when something is stupid, I want to tell you that you should probably spend less time jutting through traffic and cutting off folks. That sin wagon you drive is as big as a house and I’ve heard they have a tendency to tip when you handle them like you’re freaking Mario Andretti on crack.
And the lights – don’t even get me started on the lights. I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants, dear Queen of Speed, when, after forcing that old couple off the road, they ended up parked right behind you at the intersection. And I guess the rumors are wrong; fast girls really don’t get around, (especially when there’s a red light.) What a shame, Ms. Speedy Gonzalez that you were all revved up with nowhere to go.
I bet stoplights really chap your ass, just like you chap mine.
Hanni at Hannihaus dot com
hanniluvsu
hannibehr
December 7th, 2005
Don’t you just hate those people? And, oh, I love that song! Me and a few of my *mature* college buddies used to get drunk and sing it as loud as we could in the dorm hallway, until the nazi RA yelled at us. But you know, at least I didn’t fill condoms with water and leave them in the elevator. That’s what you get for giving out 24 free condoms a month to each student on campus!
December 7th, 2005
Love me some Dennis Leary and I love that song. We have those drivers here, too. Makes me want to install an airhorn on my car. Or a long-distance taser.
December 7th, 2005
Don’t ya just love those people that feel the need to stay in the slipstream of your vehicle? They get so close to your rear bumper that you can barely see the top of the driver’s head. If you fart you know they’re gonna smell it. I love to hit my brake pedal and swerve just a little and watch them panic as they slam on their brakes on the frozen rain covered road. Not sure whether they are more annoying than those people that need to drive thirty miles an hour in a fifty-five speed zone then speed up to fifty in a forty-five zone when they hit the four lane road or not. Alaska has some of the worst drivers in the world. Driving’s when they get their sleep.
December 7th, 2005
A-SS-HO-LE!
Hattiesburg drivers are the worst. Worse than Houston, New Orleans, Austin, etc. They are freaking INSANE.
December 7th, 2005
I love that you wrote about steel toed boot in the balls. I actually threaten to do that to my dad just to see tha pained look in his eye. So wrong, yet so funny.
December 7th, 2005
Dima - I was totally the nazi RA in college. Except I never told girls to quiet down when signing profane songs. I told em to crank it up. My very favorite dirty ditty to blast at midnight: Adam Sandler’s At A Medium Pace.
wordgirl - HAHAH. Love to taser.
url - Dude dad, if you drive like a fruit loop you’re gonna get rear ended. Take it from me, the girl whose car has a big target on its ass (apparently).
Amanda B - Whew, remind me to stay out of MS then b/c I *HATE* bad drivers.
Erin - OMG you seriously do that to your daddy-o? Ahhh yes. So funny.
December 8th, 2005
I disagree with url in that Alaskan drivers are reckless because they get their sleep while driving. Alaskan drivers are just simply retarded.
December 8th, 2005
I love it when the crazy, pass everyone, driver gets served a nice plate of poetic justice at the red light. If it’s me they’ve passed I try to get the spot next to them and just smile away in their direction. My smile says, “Yes you’re an idiot, but it’s ok, because no one expects much from a moron. Here, let me pat you on the head you poor little buffoon.”
December 8th, 2005
Cody - lets just call a spade a spade shall we?
Phineahs Gray - Buffoo! Ha one of my favorite words. How about buffoonery? That’s a good one too.
December 10th, 2005
Love that song. It’s hilarious.
No matter what city you say you’re going to, my dad says, “Be careful! People drive crazy in (insert city, state, or country)!”
The only place I’ve been where they drive noticably crazier than anywhere else is Thailand. Like dangerous crazy. As in, we were offering our cab driver money not to pass the guy in front of him when we were almost at the top of a hill. As in, I had friends who almost died b/c their cab driver had a head on with another car going around a blind curve.
I hear they drive crazy in the middle east, too, though. Never been, so I can’t vouch for that.
December 11th, 2005
Speaking of the Mideast, here’s an amusing story about driving conditions in Beirut, Lebanon from a guy traveling around the Arab world.
December 12th, 2005
[...] In the spirit of Hanni’s pet peeve drivers post I would like to post a note to my fellow Anchorage citizens: Why do you feel the need to drive on the snowy, ice covered roads in the debt of winter like it was summer time? Please answer me. [...]