WTF White Trash?
November 16th, 2005So remember when I told you that my neighbor, not-so-white White Trash Woman had moved out, the smell of urinal cakes in her wake? We all bid her adieu, saying good riddance to bad rubbish.
Well guess what? Like Martha sprung from the clink, she’s ba-ack. Or rather, I guess she never left.
In the weeks since her (assumed) decampment, I hadn’t noticed anything that would suggest the presence of White Trash, 
except maybe the placement of a new, tacky-ass astroturf doormat on the landing. I shrugged that off –thought it was something the leasing agents put out front as a “homey” - if not gas station restroomesque - touch, to make up for the nastiness that potential renters would, undoubtedly, find inside.
Pizza bones on the patio anyone?
So the other day I found a stack of crap outside my door. I instantly thought of White Trash, because she was so expert at leaving her bunk in the breezeways.
“White Trash Woman,” I thought, “this one’s for you babe.” With that, I took the crap, which was four phone books, (who the eff uses paper books anymore anyway?), and carefully positioned them, not in front of White Trash’s door, but rather next to the door. You see, that’s the little hovel where WTW used to stack Barbie accessories like a house of pink paper cards.
Later that night I was doing very important things (I.e. reading blogs, eating veggies) when I heard someone rap, rap, rapping on my chamber door. Peering out the peephole sans glasses, I couldn’t make out much, save a blurry shape dressed in purple. “Oh my God!” I thought “Alert the presses. Freakin Madonna’s out front.”
Imagine my disappointment then, when I opened the door and found - not the Material Girl - but rather the Garbage Girl. Yes the Queen of Crap herself was staring me in the face, and boy did she look pissed.
“In an effort to keep good relations, I want to know why you have put these phone books outside my door, and I’m gonna have to ax you tuh remove them.”
WTF?
She didn’t even employ the proper small talk before going into her grievance! I mean, I’ve never said two words to White Trash, and here she is coming at me, straight out the gate, with a mouth full of nasty.
Note to WTW: If you want to bump uglies, you should really buy me dinner and roses first.
White Trash continued, “My daughter saw you put this bag outside our door. We already have phone books from last year. My son is throwing out these new books we got today.” She pulled a bag, identical to the one I’d left in homage, from behind her back to demonstrate.
How to respond, how to respond….I decided to use the good Samaritan gimmick: “Well, I saw multiple books in this bag and thought they were probably for distribution to everyone on the hall. You’ll notice I didn’t leave the bag outside your door, but rather more towards the hall. I don’t even use paper books anymore, and I don’t even know anybody who does…”
Except, apparently, White Trash Woman who probably uses the pages to wipe her greasy sausage fingers on after she’s finished chowing down on chicken wings…
But I digress.
Anyway, to appease the god of whitetrashiness, I picked up the damn bag and gave a Terrell Owens-like nonapology-apology. The next morning, as I left for work, I stood on my stoop facing White Trash’s place. I arranged my face in my best nasty-girl-scowl in hopes that White Trash Daughter had her snoopy-ass eye pressed against the peephole.
I am Hänni. Hear me roar. White Trash, it’s on.
Hanni at Hannihaus dot com
hanniluvsu
hannibehr
November 16th, 2005
Git ‘er done, Hanni, git ‘er done! Hot damn it’s wimmen rasslin’!!
LOL, what’s the scoop on Moulin Rouge?
November 16th, 2005
todays blog was enjoyable.
November 16th, 2005
My entire living room is covered in green astro-turf. I can’t believe you just called me white trash.
*storms out melodramatically*
November 16th, 2005
MAT - rasslin? Let’s hope it never comes to that. I’m kind of small and I have a feeling White Trash Woman plays dirty (pun intended). About Moulin Rouge, I’ll be in contact. I may have to work that night and dont’ know my hours yet…
If we can’t hit it Dec. 1, I would def be intersted in going first week of Feb… Come What May!
Aaron (Asha) - Hi darling. Glad you enjoyed it. We like you too.
November 16th, 2005
Amanda B - Are you for real?
November 16th, 2005
oh, that is too funny!
Watch those white trash wimmen, they’s nasty mean and have years of wrasslin experience. Be sure she cain’t git at yer hair or she’ll snatch ya bald!
Good Luck and call if you need help.
the idiot
November 16th, 2005
Keep trash talking urinal cakes placed in odd places around the apartment to minimum please, it’s a sensitive subject. I think one of these days I will blog about it. I found another one in the apartment the other day. I’ll tell more in a post
You are too nice to WTW. I can’t believe she’s back. It’s great for the blog world though, because now we can read more about it.
November 16th, 2005
Villiage Idiot - Ha! Something tells me she knows how to snatch a bad weeve. I’ll put you on speed dial should wrasslin occur!
Dima - Poor thing. I’m so sorry some miscreant thought urinal cakes were an appropriate form of house deodorizer. Yes please post.
November 16th, 2005
Oh Goodness. It’s really too bad that you crossed her. There’s no chance for a deep and meaningful girly friendship now (or was that chance blown with WTW’s daughter heard your bad critique of their place?), so you’ll never know what happened.
Watch your back, sister. I bet the Barbies are trained attack dolls.
November 16th, 2005
That’s funny, my mom has actually bought two of those when I lived at home. The second after we wore the other one out. They take the mud off pretty good
*sigh* Guess that means I’m white trash.
November 16th, 2005
No bunny rabbit, I’m kidding- but I do have shag carpet on the walls.
November 17th, 2005
Oh no! I have neighbourly hatred too. I suggest you save those Jeepish leather seat farts for right in front of her door.
November 17th, 2005
mrtl - It’s okay that’s she’s blacklisted me, because White Trash Woman is someone I would *not* want to be friends with. Anyone who drinks that many types of beverages and who seems to subsist soley on pizza, pork chops and chicken wings is someone I regard as highly suspicious.
David Hemphill - No, no. The mat alone does not make one White Trash. It’s a culmination of factors. White Trash was already called White Trash back when her welcome mat was a mexican-themed placemat. Now having a placemat on your front stoop -that is white trash.
Amanda B - Shag carpet is permissable my friend
Von Kranki - Ha ha! The problem with locking and unloading for them is, they probably wouldn’t appreciate it, as their house wreaks so strongly of urinal cake anyway.
November 17th, 2005
Ain’t nothin like a good passive-aggressive rumble to get the juices flowing, is thar? Better git yer kikin (there’s a story) leg out, Hanni. This ain’t yer sista. This un’ll problee be punchin yer mamerees while yer swirlin insults yuppie style at litnin speed an thinkin yer playin tha dozens with polite restraint and such mahvelus condescension. Von is right. Don’t ferget yer mos powerful wepon is yer gas, not yer kikin leg. Yes, she would appreciate the power of yers.
November 17th, 2005
url - was just writing something up about miss spank this morning, as tomorrow’s her birthday. Wrote a little bit about her awesome de-pantsing powers.