One thing about working where I do is, any time management decides they want to spoil us working-class grunts, they do it with food. Usually the food is tied to a celebration. It’s like “Oh! It’s so-and-so’s birthday – let’s have cake!”, or “Ms. Whats-Her-Name graduated night school. To celebrate, let’s all shove a bagel in our pie hole!”
Lately things have been a little more celebratory than I, she-whose-diet-consists-of-85%-organic-veggies, would like. Yesterday we got an e-mail to announce that – woopie –the Big Guns hooked us up, because the pop machine is now selling Mr Pibb for 25cents! And while we have avoided such a monstrosity for many months, today a large, Funyun-wielding vending machine appeared outside the men’s room on the second floor.
And even though I’m anti, even though I’m so totally against processed foods and their excessive consumption, I have to admit, being given the opportunity for pants-splitting gluttony is great.
Yes, I am a Nutrition Nazi, but I appreciate that the bosses at a Very Hip Software Company like their employees enough to pony up for pizza every once in a while. I mean, where I used to work, my old boss, he was so tight, you could put a lump of coal up his ass, and after a fortnight, you’d probably have a diamond.
Seriously – this dude was so cheap that around the holidays, instead of throwing a party, he forced his egregiously underpaid employees to purchase and prepare various foodies for a mandatory, Christmas pot-luck. This 60 minute intestinal adventure in the cockroach-infested den of iniquity known as the company kitchen, well it was meant to satiate us.
I don’t think any of us were fooled.
As we chewed through the beef jerky that Helen insisted was meatballs, we knew that other companies were throwing real Christmas parties, the kind you don’t bring a crockpot to, the kind where you drink too much and then photocopy your unmentionables.
Yeah, because I worked for Ebenezer Scrooge, we never had that party, and that’s a real shame. After all, nothing says Celebration of Christ’s Birth quite like a Xeroxed set of butt cheeks.
But I digress.
So in conclusion, I won’t be drinking that swill, but the 25cent soda was a nice gesture. It makes Hänni happy. Good job Big Guns!
And good job to you too dear hannihaus readers. If you’re reading this, you’ve made it through another marathon post. I’m on a freaking roll this week – woo.
I’ve never been offered as much food at work as they have at my current job in a university office. Today alone, the free food was doughnuts and dried apricots in the morning (what a combination). Then Toffee Scones at around 11 am, Peanut Butter Cups at around 1, and Popcorn at 2:30.
And no one was even celebrating anything. I won’t even go in to the welcome parties, farewells and potlucks that happen almost every other day.
I currently work with a bunch of women who would probably throw me a party if I declared that I had “The best crap of my life” while walking out of the company bathroom.
Well… that is just gross, but we honestly have a “potluck get-together” about every 3 weeks. On Oct 24th I am bringing the Taco dip.
Funny post, have you had Christmas on the brain lately or what? Are the early ads creeping into your subconcious?
I have never had a Xmas bonus or a real party. We get pot luck all the time too. As long as I am not working I’d be happy. I think we are having a real party this year though. I never attend though because I don’t like going without a date. Showing up alone is sad. You have no accomplice for your tiny cracker food fight instigation!
I work at a grocery store….and the only time management is nice enough to give us some free food….comes when the food is about to spoil/expire/grow green or white fuzz/grow 2 feet and walk out of the store. Instead of throwing it out…they figure…give it to the employees…they will thank us for it…then they wonder why people call in sick so much.
Adrianne – Don’t get me wrong, we don’t just wait for celebrations to gorge. Somebody in the office has an affinity for Marshall Fields chocolates and sugared pecans – there’s new flavors and varieties left for general consumption just about every day. Also, sometimes on Fridays, for no reason, the boss fills the freezer with brand-name icecream bars. This is delish, but hazardous for someone who has a hard time with dairy. D’oh.
Erin – Yeah I noticed the dual Christmas posting myself this week. I’m not sure what’s with that, except I don’t really celebrate Halloween (unfortunate experiences with candy and costumes), and my only preparation for Thanksgiving is to unbutton my pants before eating, so I guess Christmas is the only upcoming holiday that will actually require some thought and planning on my part.
ScottyGee – I thought you worked at a bank?! So you get all these ridiculous days off, but you don’t get a kick ass, photocopy-yourself-crazy party? I am perturbed by this revelation. And about having no date – maybe Santa will bring you one this year, because you’re right, food fights don’t work out so well when you’ve got no one to fight with.
Fil – Please tell us, what kind of food have *you* taken home from the store? And did it make you vomit?
That’s definitely one of the perks (or porks) where I work. They have so many free lunches every week here, and pop and juices all free, that people get the “freshman” 15 when they start working here. I try to stay away though, otherwise, I’ll have to buy all new wardrobe, and I hate shopping.
Also, we actually have a Christmas Party, in THE SEARS TOWER. It’s pretty kick ass. But I also hate going alone. The first year, I took my female cousin with me, who looks nothing like me, and people thought I was a lesbian, since I hadn’t been there that long. Then I skipped it, because I broke up with the guy I was supposed to go with a week before the party. We’ll see what happens this year.
But overall I work for very generous people – sometimes maybe too generous. But it seems like some people, after working here for a long time, are still not used to it, and approach every free meal like the last free meal they’ll ever get. Now those people make me….
Ok, I had to try posting that comment 5 times, FIVE TIMES, before it actually let me post it. Hanni, please remove the Dima filter. Thanks a bunch!
Hanni, babe – I do work for a large bank, but the main headquarters is in Atlanta and not here. We have a big building about 30 miles away, but our littl outspost is jus one floor of an office building her in Raleigh. We do have suares though. Last Xmas it was at a big country club that has a PGa golf course. I did not go because I was dateless. Not sure what is going down this year, but if I am dateless I’ll be staying home again. I need a mail order date from Thanksgiving through New Year’s day!
Dima – Sears Tower is super cool! And that’s funny about the whole lesbian thing. What’s not funny is the comment snafu. I’ll have SORM look into it post haste. Thanks!
ScottyGee – Being that you’re a Personal Assistant, I’m sure you can wrangle up the resources to find you that cost-efficient call girl.
Scotty, I’ll go with you to something between Thanksgiving and Christmas, if you go with me to my office Christmas Party – for free! Then I can make up all the stories I want about the whole thing – “he’s gone, because he was abducted by aliens” or “he was allowed to leave his space ship for only one visit to earth” or “next time he visits, he has to take a different shape – expect a different alien, errr, guy”
Ugh…just making me think about it makes me sick….in our bulk foods section we used to sell these banana loaf things that came in vacuum sealed packages….they were more banana than loaf…so, when they were about to expire…here staff…have some free food….then there was stale tortillia chip day
great post..
Dima – awww, you’re trying to hook up at the haus.
Fil – Okay yeah rotting produce is not too tasty, but what about stuff like bulk bin cranberries, raisins or banana chips. You know that crap has a shelf life of like 90 million years, but I’m sure the store can’t keep it that long. I would eat old banana chips.
HumanityCritic – Spank you berry muchee