Yesterday morning felt like Christmas. As I lay in bed, lazy on my day off, I just kept thinking that if I swung wide my bedroom curtains, I’d see a frosty window pane and a fresh dusting of snow on the lawn. I imagined the smell of evergreens, and the crinkle of heavy paper being wrapped round bright baubles. Bolstered by this unshakeable feeling, I began humming “Oh Tenenbaum”.
And this sentiment that had me wanting to hang paper decorations with the words “Un Joyeux Noel” on them, well, it was strange for two reasons: 1) it’s October and we’ve still got two major holidays to go before we celebrate Christ’s birth, and 2) living in Florida, it doesn’t even feel like Christmas when it *is* Christmas. I mean forget about snow and spruce trees –last December 25th it was probably 75 degrees and sunny. We couldn’t keep a live tree in our house because the heat from the windows makes for a 72-hour moratorium, after which point the pine needles fall off and the kittens start using the $40 trunk for a scratching post.
But I digress.
So yeah, when I finally did get my booty out of bed to peer into the space outside my window, there wasn’t anything Christmassy going on. There were no kids making snow angels, and for that matter, no snow to make angels with. No one was bundled up in scarves, carrying layers of pies and sweet treats. And not a single soul could be seen hanging lights on their veranda.
What I did see from my post as peeping tom was this: one skeezy-looking, super chunk lesbian walking her two dogs. She was wearing an XXL salmon-colored muscle tank with shorts that looked suspiciously like they could’ve been sweatpants in another life, before having had scissors taken to them.
And just like that, with one glimpse at those corpse-white, doughboy, lesbifriend legs, the splendor of the holiday spirit was gone. I shuddered briefly, before closing the curtains.
That’s the saddest post ever! You just stole the magic from my Christmas! When it’s all snowy here on Christmas, I’ll take a picture and post it for you. JUST FOR YOU!
Ah Dima – please do send pics of your white Christmas. I miss it!
So sad, nothing like a Christmas Day “day-dream” complete with olfactory hallucinations – that turns into a peek at a overweight dog-walker wearing salmon…
Mary – isn’t salmon just the worst? I can not STAND that color.
You are too cute for words. You had the “little girl it’s xmas time” feeling and it was dashed by a poorly clad bull dyke with bull dog. How sad. (insert pout here) Hang in there, chica. I’ll send you lots of snowy jpegs very soon being in New England and all that. Santa’s on his way!!
Yeah, being in new england is great. it’s been frickin’ raining for two weeks and now i gotta start raking leaves.
Lauren – looking forward to seeing lots of snowy jpegs… it’s far to green in Florida at this time of year.
Village Idiot – Chin up! As long as it keeps raining, you can keep having the
swig Sam Adams in your underwear telethonFlood Relief Telethon. Huzzah!Hänni Says:
October 17th, 2005
Mary – isn’t salmon just the worst? I can not STAND that color.
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I can’t stand the color, the fish nor the sound of the word and the spelling is an offense…there is nothing good about salmon.
It shouldn’t be worn, eaten, spelled or thought of – I detest salmon!
My worst nightmare would be to live in Salmon, Idaho on the Salmon River eating salmon in my salmon-colored house dress.
Marybishop – blech, i wanna vomit after seeing so many references to “salmon.” I concur with your rant, fully.