Pain in the Ass
October 12th, 2005I was visiting Random and Odd this afternoon and came across something that gave me pause. On today’s blog post there was a sentence about wanting to avoid researching the symptoms of a disease, because, as the author writes, “the last time I googled something to make sure I spelled it right, I found out I had it.”
Yikes.
Having done some research recently myself, I hope that I do not befall the same google-diagnosed fate as that which afflicted Kristine at Random and Odd. I am scared, dear hannihaus readers, because I, your mistress, am not well.
No, I’m not referring to my mental status. I’m always ¾ to cuckoo – that’s my M.O. There’s actually been something else bothering me the last few months. You see, I had an accident … it involved pilates and required endurance and grace (both of which I lack).
I just knew I shouldn’t have attempted the position. I really did know better. Somewhere deep inside me I knew that if I did this crazy thing, shit was going to go down, and it was going to go down in a big way.
And as I sat in my living room that sunny weekend morning, bent up like two sides of an isosceles triangle, I thought “Maybe this is a bad idea.” With my legs raised in the air - raised high as hands in church, and with arms outstretched toward legs, I found I could balance my entire weight on my tailbone. “Eureka!” I cried… and then, 10 seconds later, I felt a sharp pain in my posterior – a discomfort in my derriere, if you will.
“Oh crap,” I thought, “I just effed up my ass!”
So yeah, I’ve been struggling with my ass ache since at least June, and I recently decided I should probably figure out how to fix it. So I googled “butt pain in my ass crack” (or something similar, anyway), and I came across this horrifying forum where hundreds of people had written in about their funked up fannies.
I had to stop after reading about this woman who had a hindquarter headache that sounded a lot like mine. After months of suffering she went to a chiropractor who told her she had a condition where her tailbone was slightly curved. To provide some relief, the doctor needed to adjust (read: crack) the curvature bi-annually.
I was reading this story, thinking, “There’s no way I’m going to drop trau in a chiropractor’s office, so he can reach between my cheeks and do some snippy snaps.”
“There’s just no way,” I thought, “that when the receptionist asks ‘and what are you having done today?’ I’m gonna say ‘I’m here for my annual butt crack, please.”
Having had the bejeesus scared out of me by the butt crack scenario, and being a New Age Mama, I opted for a more natural alternative that does not require I drive to, and then pay for, someone to put their hands in my patooty.
And that’s why, now three times a day, I’ve been slathering an herbal extract in the far reaches of my rump.
I’m using something called Knitbone Extract, which is really just comfrey, an herb that has been used to speed up the healing of burns, bruises, fractures, etc. for ages.
The comfrey has definitely provided me some relief, but still, I think it’s not a permanent solution. Angelface, sick of my constant moaning and groaning has offered his diagnosis by saying, “I think you have hemorrhoids.”
I am completely disgruntled by his assertion that just because there’s a little boo-boo something on my ba-dunk-a-dunk-dunk, the only probable cause is swollen anal veins.
Next time he brings it up, I’m just gonna say “Of course I have hemorrhoids, precious. If you’re saying having hemorrhoids is synonymous with ‘pain the ass’, well then I have three – two of them are the cats, and the third one, why, that’s you!”
So yeah, long story short: my butt hurts. How about you, dear hannihaus readers? Let’s talk about ass, specifically, yours.
Hanni at Hannihaus dot com
hanniluvsu
hannibehr
October 12th, 2005
the internet can be a dangerous thing when it comes to self-diagnosis. This spring I had a minor issue which after I spent some time on the interent, I was certain it was a major issue.
Silly me.
October 12th, 2005
Same thing happened to me in high school while playing street hockey. I actually limped for a few months. Anyway, I ended up seeing a chiropractor for six months, three times a week. But I felt a lot better at the end. People couldn’t call me “the gimp” after that!
Butt cracking may not be too bad of an option. Don’t be scared. But you may have to take a shower every once in a while if you end up going to the chiro
October 12th, 2005
My ass is ok. No complaints with my ass except that it should maybe be more pert or perky. I am sorry your ass is hurting, darlin’.
October 13th, 2005
My ass. Roller skating injury. 7th grade. Hurts rarely, since I know how not to lie down now. Never had it looked at.
Sorry about your ass. You tell Angelface to kiss it for you.
October 13th, 2005
As your personal assistant I feel ike I should offer to rub that lotion on there for you. Maybe even try to realign your crack a little. Hehehee.
I have cracked my tailbone a couple times. Once while snowboarding and once while skateboarding. It’s definitely not a good experience. For tailbones, there really is not anything they can do for you. I’d at least go see a doctor and mention it to them. The Internet will have you thinking you have anal gang green if you keep reading it. It’s easy to be paranoid when reading other people’s horror stories.
I am sorry you hurt your money maker. I wish it a swift and complete recovery. Maybe doing all those hip thrusts at Gerard during the concert wasn’t such a good idea. =)
October 13th, 2005
“ass ache” heh heh you said “ass”.
Pain-wise, mine’s ok. And it’s still wide and flat.
October 13th, 2005
Scotty, what the heck is “gang green”?
October 13th, 2005
I pulled an ass muscle years ago and had one numb cheek for, like, a month. It was. Not one of the more pleasant times of my life.
I’m sorry for your assal issues. I will pray to the gods of the derriere that you and yours feel better soon.
October 13th, 2005
what if you have a herniated disc or something? just a thought.
not that that’s any less invasive than having a chiropractor…realign you.
October 13th, 2005
Dima - It’s actually gangrene, but I spelled it like the name of a punk band that I listened to back in the day.
October 13th, 2005
Twistedute - I’m glad you’re okay! You had a bad experience with Internet diagnosis, but my grandfather had the opposite experience. He told me the doctor diagnosed him with prostate cancer, but after doing research, he learned that the test the dr. ran was highly unreliabe & it turns out gpa is okay. Oh, and he also told me that the dr gave him a “finger wave”. Complete with gestures, gpa went into detail about the pooka finger.
Dima - damn girl, are you saying I smell? Well chiropractor sounds intriguing, I must admit. I imagine it’s like getting a massage, but with a little extra juice. I think my co-pay is like $30/visit, so if I went 3 X/week for six months it would be pretty darn tootin expensive. For now, I’m sticking with the bottle.
Amanda B - Thanks for the sympathies doll. It could be worse… I could have to carry around one of those big rubber donuts, after all.
mrtl - You are so vicious. Love the angelface comment and yeah, your injury sounds as embarrasing as mine. Rollerskating… not so cool.
ScottyGee - Dima says I smell. I don’t think you want anywhere *near* this ass. And about my punk rock pelvic thrusts - sometimes sacrafices have to be made in the name of love and rock star excess.
MAT - bwa ha ha ha ha. I’m imagining you with buckwheat pancakes for butt cheeks.
Miss Marisol - Hockey injuries, rollerskating, that all I can understand, but now you’ve got me thinking, how on earth did you pull your ass muscle?
orangepaas - hey honey, it’s been a long time. Not sure about this herniated disc junx… and am not googling it, because you know, if you just stay ignorant it won’t happen to you. That’s why maaa used to shield my eyes when we passed the maternity section at Sears when I was a girl. She didn’t want me turning into a pregnant manequin I guess.
October 13th, 2005
I can’t believe you’re rubbing something called “knitbone” on any living tissue, let alone your ass. I strongly suspect that you’ll soon grow a tail.
The beautiful irony here is that pilates is all about graceful stretching to build lean muscles, not ass cracking, which is not nearly as graceful as pilates but a heckuva lot funnier.
As always- great entry, thanks for sharing, and hope you feel better soon.
Your Fan,
The Idiot
October 14th, 2005
Dear idiot - I was so wrapped up in the horrors of chiropractor ass cracking that I didn’t even consider the consequences of knitbone. Tune in next week for another exciting installment of Hänni freaks out about her fanny: the grew her own tail incident.
October 14th, 2005
Hanni - I’m sure you don’t smell - that was based on the “why bathe when you can blog?” thing. Anyway, I’m sure Scotty doesn’t care if you smell. I’m sending good ass vibes your way!
Scotty - sorry for my obvious lack of knowledge of punk bands.
October 14th, 2005
I will accept nothing short of a hilarious, illustrated version of that sordid tail tale. I should note that in honor of your ailment and your remedy, I’ve started rubbing ben gay on my silky bottom. The pain is still there but i think ol ben is really starting to like me.
{Somewhere, in a lonely cornfield, some kid is wondering why he just heard a rimshot and the shave and a haircut jingle}.
self medicating and self amusing since 1982,
the idiot
October 15th, 2005
okay. with all the ass talk, how can i resist? i broke my ass too when i fell off a horse (it ran out from under me) and i landed…ON.A.TREE.ROOT. it hurt to sit for months. in other ass news–we have a new member on our illustrious staff this year by the name of…drumroll please…MR. FANNY. and yes, he *is* an ass. he was the subject of derision during our department lunch yesterday. more info upon request.
in unrelated news, i found this and my thoughts immediately strayed to you:
from msn.com–
Holmes has just opted out of the Dennis Quaid drama “Shame on You” due to her rapidly swelling belly.
This is the second film the actress has nixed since hooking up with Cruise. She also reportedly bowed out of the coveted role of doomed It-girl Edie Sedgwick in “Factory Girl,” a part later scooped up by Sienna Miller.
Holmes has been spending much of her free time with Cruise on the L.A. set of “Mission: Impossible III,” where she put in a memorable lip-lock-crammed appearance on Oct. 2.
They “looked almost like high school kids, unbelievably lovey-dovey,” an eyewitness tells People of the buss stop. “She’d go up on the stage with him and they’d hug and kiss in front of everybody. It was pretty much before every single take. They just looked overjoyed.”
hope it doesn’t send YOUR ass into overtime…
October 18th, 2005
BARF