Today is a very special day for those who have followed my recent rise to fame. It’s unbelievable that last week I was a humble haus mistress, and this week, beloved Blog Queen mrtl reports I am a diva of the highest order. (I cannot help but agree!)
That being said, it has become apparent, dear hannihaus readers that I need to have an extra someone on staff to handle my affairs. I need a personal assistant to do all things I never feel like doing, (I.e. shaving my toes, waxing my spleen, buttering my organic, sprouted wheat toast, etc), and I am proud to say I’ve had inquiries from several interested applicants.
Earlier this week I announced we’d be having a vote today to discern the winning applicant. Well, guess what? We’re not polling today because, let’s face it, voting doesn’t always work. If that were the case, we’d be calling Gdub Governor Bush right now, because, well, that’s the last office he was voted into.
Ba dum bum ching.
Okay, so without further ado, I will announce my new PA. I first want to say that this decision was extremely difficult, however, I think we’d all agree… ScottyGee you kicked some major a$$ in the bid to become my manservant personal assistant, and for that you will be generously rewarded. For volunteering to serve me Evian whilst wearing lederhosen, we salute you.
ScottyGee, you’re a tough negotiator, and I think you will find your compensation package to be quite satisfying. I’d like you to know I threw in an extra box of Kleenex b/c I think you will need it to wipe away those tears of joy that must be streaming down your oh-so-grateful face at this very moment.
But before we get to Scotty’s compensation I just want to say Erin and Phyrephly you were both extremely qualified candidates. Erin, you were not afraid to bend me into yoga pretzels, and phyrephly your attention to my ass and how fat it’s getting, well it shows how much you truly care.
Although I can not hire you both at this time (am running low on tp and raisins), I would like to give Erin a special conciliatory something: Erin, because we love you babe, we are giving you the opportunity to go All The Way with Richard Marx look-alike and beloved hannihaus admin, SORM! (Phyrephly, I’d say you could make out with SORM too, but I know you’re not into making out with other dudes… that’s something we leave to resident gay man of the haus, Hänni’s ex-boyfriend, CFTP).
And now, because you’ve waited so long for your reward, ScottyGee, I present your compensation package:
*Please note, the kitten is not included. He is merely my quality assurance agent. He found the sweatband to be sufficiently fun to chew on, and he certified the toilet paper worthy of being pulled from the roll and piled in a heap on the floor for displaying when guests are over* Congrats!
I… I… I really… Wow! I just don’t know how to react to this. It’s always been a dream of mine since I was a little tike to give a high colonic to a cute girl. My selection as manservant just goes to show you that if you really want something hard enough, if you devote your life to achevieving your dreams, if you toil in the hot Carolina sun as a cabana boy, if you work your fingers to the bone practicing signing fake autographs for non-existant fans, if you cry yourself to sleep hoping that one day you’ll be rewarded with toilet paper for your hard work and if you have enough faith your dreams really can come true. I am just a simple man with a simple dream. I grew up on the tough streets of Pittsburgh in a simple home. Look at me now. I am King of the World!
I’d just like to thank God because without him none of this would be possible. I’d like to thank my agents and everyone at Skywalker Ranch for helping with my special effects. Thanks to Peter Jackson for making such a kick ass trilogy. Thanks to my parents for raising me right and instilling within me the values of servitude that I am sure Mistress Hanni will frequently call upon. I’d like to thank all of my college professors for telling me I’d never amount to anything in the corporate world and I should drop out and use my God given cabana boy skills and my proficiency of applying cocoa butter with a smooth touch and a slow hand. Lastly, I’d like to thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for touching me with his noodly appendage.
I only hope that Hanni knows just what she has done for me. My butt yearns to try out that first square of generic TP. My barren table longs for old placemats. My irregular bowels desire nothing more than organic raisin regularity. My heart has been captured by Hanni’s siren song and my soul rides out on the open sea to fulfill my destiny.
Viva la Hanni!
Oh, the beauty! Dory’s totally going to dig that sweatband, complete with Eau de Hä and kitty.
You got me – I’m totally impressed with myself with figuring out how to type an a with an umlaut that I forgot to finish the name. lol
Hänni, that is.
Scotty – You are the robin to my batman. For that I say, thank you.
Mrtl – Hey, I thought Eau de Hä was maybe just the rich n’ ritzy way to say “Hänni’s stank.”
Hänni – It is I who should thank you. A million thanks in your honor!
*bows while slowing walking backwards out of the room….
You can’t even begin to imagine how ecstatic I am about my prize! That SORM (aka David Fisher from “Six Feet Under”
) better watch out because I definitely intend to collect A.S.A.P
Erin – his ass is all yours. Yes, please do collect A.S.A.P. I’m sure you could use some “stress relief.” I know I wouldn’t mind some.
Rock. You could not have picked a finer man-servant. Hotpants is mui mas macho, and looks great wearing nothing but chunky Peter Pan on his loin. Or loins.
P.S. The more you spank him the more he will want to serve your every whim.
Amanda! She has to learn these things for herself!
Mwa ha ha ha ha