My body is a mysterious thing. Sometimes it’s a supremely functioning work horse, able to withstand the greasiest of pepperoni pizza, the gooiest of caramel drenched cream puffs, and the most colon-blowing 7 layer burritos (my favorite!). Last weekend, however, a meager glass of 1% milk (shaken, not stirred) sent my stomach into Delta Force relation mode, and I’ve spent the better part of three days clutching my gut, crying “Santa Maria!”

I can’t say I didn’t see this one coming. I don’t usually drink milk, but when offered the beverage by a saintly, dinner party hostess, well, how could I refuse?

With the immortal 80’s hit, Highway to the Danger Zone playing in my head, I grasped the cool, white glass, and then, like it was my job, like I was first string on a competitive milk drinking circuit, I chugged that bitch.

…And then, predictably, all hell broke loose in the abdominal region of my body.

Now, because I’m a New Age Mama, I ingest things that most folks might find unusual, maybe even a bit concerting. Colostrum, I suspect, is one of those things.

Dictionary.com defines colostrum as the following:

The thin yellowish fluid secreted by the mammary glands at the time of parturition that is rich in antibodies and minerals, and precedes the production of true milk. Also called foremilk.

It is this “foremilk” that my ND recommended I take to appease my wicked 72-hour stomach ache.

(Don’t worry dear hannihaus readers, I didn’t have to find a lactating breast. You can buy colostrum over the counter. Joy!)

Per the instructions, I emptied one capsule of colostrum into a small bit of Evian (my beverage of choice). Eager to experience some sweet relief from the o’ achiest of stomachs, I brought the cup to my lips, but before I could complete the mission, so to speak, something made me pause.

That something was a smell.

That smell was, unmistakably, baby puke.

Even though it smelled like spit up, I still gulped down the colostrum. Yes, I’m hardcore. And yes it works. Stomach has been subdued… but now I have another problem…

Aye carumba. Will I never win?

Posted in New Age Mama