There is a thief among us at Very Hip Software Company. It seems that said sticky fingers has a predilection for pasteurized victuals and milk-stained mustaches. Monsieur-Steal-Some-Stuff, he likes his vitamin d-enriched cow juice pilfered – not stirred.

I got to work this morning only to find an e-mail with the subject “You Should Be Ashamed” staring me in the face.

Oh crap, I thought. What have I done now?

I racked my brain for reasons to be ashamed. I’m a decent tipper, kind to animals, really fantastic at my job, good about brushing teeth and wearing clean undies, so it couldn’t have been any of those things.

With pounding heart and sweaty brow, I opened the e-mail.

What was contained therein was a scathing communiqué, sent company-wide, but really only directed to one filcher of ¼ gallon of baby-cow-grow. This milk, the e-mail asserted, was for the e-mail author’s grandkids.

This bastard took milk from the mouths of babes.

The e-mail ended by letting this mystery mooch know that he/she should be ashamed for “consumer” something they weren’t given permission to “partake of.” I cringed, but not because I am the milk bandit and, therefore, had reason to be shamed – far from it. As part of my homeopathic, hey noni noni, new age fervor, I make it a point to avoid excess consumption of dairy, unless of course, it comes in the form of a gigantic, brownie sundae.

But I digress.

No, I’m not one to consume, or even cry over filched milk. Really, because I am a writing nerd, the most distressing part of this whole ordeal was the milk missive’s blatantly bad grammar.

In other news, my team won a very cool award today that will do amazing things for my resume. It was a real underdog feat. I kind of feel like the ugly girl who just won prom queen, despite having buck teeth and a Farrah Fawcett hairdo.

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Can’t wait to tell more good news when The Secret is revealed!

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