I am the only writer at A Very Hip Software Company, and as such, I am tasked to create a broad myriad of documentation. I create copy for our Web site, packaging materials, customer service, product development and quality assurance departments. I’ve written e-mail, manuals, flyers and help files. You name it, I write it. Yes, I am the all-purpose, utilitarian, call-me-for-a-good-time-or- to-rewrite-a-handbook type-gurl.

Yesterday I got a request to do something I hadn’t done before. Apparently there was some sort of water crisis when the “ghetto” side of the office (separated from mine by a walkway) ran out of water cooler H20.

I mean it was bad. People were drying up all over the place. The desiccation caused the Customer Service department to shrivel up into little, tiny, pruney people. And the sales department, confused by a water cooler with no water kind of just huddled around it, silent, not sure if it was o.k. to gossip.

It was from this weirdo snafu that my greatest task was assigned. “Hänni” the ghetto pleaded, “write us a Water Transfer procedure.”

For your viewing pleasure, I present the Water Transfer Procedure:

To transfer water:

1. Leave the ghetto. Go to the “cool” side of the office where water cooler bubbly flows abundant.

2. Locate and lift water cooler refill thingy.
Note: Be sure to bend with your knees, not your back.

3. Grunt cause the water is frickin heavy.
Note: be sure your grunt is sufficiently loud enough to garner interest from the hot secretaries. You can look like a “real man” (or real butch woman, if you’re into that sort of thing), even in this office setting.

4. Amble across 100 ft of walkway until severely fatigued. Realize you can not reach your security swipe card. Curse quietly.
Note: appropriate cursing should include the words “holy sh$# mutha f#@cka”, “gheesh”, “sheesh”, and “Santa Maria”.

5. Wait around for a coworker to take pity on your sweating, swearing ass, and open the door for you.
Note: Do not, in anger, smack the coworker who helped open the door for you. Even if she/he is smug and not sweaty in the least. A door-opening coworker is the same type who’ll bring in frosted cookies and twizzlers on Fridays. (And since there are no more Free Massage Fridays, cookies and twizzlers are all you’ve got to look forward to).

6. Pop the water cooler refill thingy into its reciprocal cubby.

7. Walk over to the soda machine adjacent to the water cooler. Put in 3 quarters and guzzle a nice cold coke, because after all, water is for pussies, and for the staff writer who’s been known to do things like *gasp* drink water and *omg* turn down cookies and twizzlers in favor of crudites. But I digress.

That concludes the water transfer procedure protocol. We hope you’ve enjoyed the show. God bless and good night!