One very nice perk of working where I do, is that on Fridays, if you’d like, you get a free 15-minute massage. The Masseuse is a shortish, protein-bar chomping, magic-working saint. I’ve been taking advantage of the Masseuse’s services since January, and may I say my back is like buttah – it’s all flexi and malleable.

What a change from the first massage, when Masseuse asked if I had a board shoved up my derriér, my back was so stiff. “No silly”, I said, “I only do that sort of thing on the weekends”. He didn’t know what that meant, but there again, neither did I. It just sounded right at the time.

Just as in war, there are rules of engagement, so in the office, there are rules of massage. First, if you want a massage, you have to get on the list. The nice girl in Cust Serv sends an e-mail announcement Friday in the a.m., anytime between 9:50 and 11:15. The rules state, that if you do not respond within 15 minutes, you will not get a massage. That’s why rolling in after 10 is a dangerous game. You decide to sleep in, ’cause it’s TGIF -and oh holy crap! No massage for you.

The second rule of Massage Club, is that there is no Massage Club…. But seriously, the second rule is that you must be on time for your scheduled massage. If you “forgot” and went to lunch instead, or felt that trivial things like work were more important, well too bad. No massage for you.

And if you fail to follow the aforementioned rules, and try to sneak into someone else’s spot, the third rule clearly dictates that you must have a masochist massage. That is, the Masseuse is aware of the clearly delineated timeline, and if you try to switch it up-steal The Copywriter’s prescheduled massage, for example,-you will receive a hard-style, turn-your-hair-white, brass knuckle, behold-my-wrath massage.

Palak Paneer is the reason this rule was written. Consequently, he walks around a bit hunched up, permanent grimace on his face, because of all the painful massages he received care of self righteous pilfering of coworkers rightly-scheduled timeslots.

But I digress.

So today is Friday, but it’s a black Friday dear hännihaus readers. Turn off the sun, because free massage Friday is dead. I was just informed by the nice girl in Cust Serv that the Masseuse is not coming today, and we don’t know when/if he will return.

Damn, I really need a massage too! I had an unfortunate kitty yoga accident yesterday – but that’s another story.