In addition to being stinky, darling Sphynx is also extremely itchy. Day-and-night night-and-day he’s got his little sharpy claws out, scratching his ears, neck and chin. It’s constant - perpetual even. I don’t know that Sphynx could go 60 seconds without scratching. That’s bad, ’cause even God rested on the Sabbath.

This extreme, relentless Olympic-style scratch-fest is what landed darling Sphynx on the vet’s, (we’ll call him Dr. Fruitcake), stainless steel examination table this afternoon.

Dr. Fruitcake, bless his heart, provides free initial consultations to animals who’ve been adopted through the Superior Mutts program. Fit for an older fellow, Dr. Fruitcake was a nutritionist in his previous life, before becoming a feline physician. I found Fruitcake to be very engaging and pleasant. I think he got off on the wrong foot with Sphynx though. Apparently, cats don’t like getting thermometers shoved up their ass.

In any event, Fruitcake did a careful, thorough examination of the Sphynxinator, determining the quality of his fur, teeth, and tail. At the end of his examination, he tossed his head back in a dramatic fashion, fluttered his hand over his face, and sighed in a tragic, woe-is-me fashion.

“Uh oh”, I thought, “this is gonna be worse than the time I got that bean stuck up my nose and it fermented”.

Dr. F. wrung his hands, paced a bit, and then, as if spent, he quietly asked, “How do I say this?”

“Uh oh”, I thought, “this really is worse than the bean thing. And maybe worse than the time I hit myself in the eye in the tragic bouncy ball incident of 1998″.

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come out”, said Dr. F. “Your cat is too fat - it’s a classic case of overeating. You see, when he was feral he didn’t know when his next meal was coming, so each meal was - blah blah blah.

Dr. F. continued to lecture on the fitness and fatness of my cat, his other client’s cats, his other client’s dogs, rats, mice and even guinea pigs. Truly, by the end of his literally 20-minute missive, I think I had gotten the point. Sphynx stinks cause he poos to much. He poos too much cause he eats like a piggy.

But I can’t blame my little babe. As far as food goes, I think we’re all a little guilty of excess every once in a while. Why then, if not for this very reason, did God make prune juice and pinto beans?

Regardless, Sphynx and Belle are going on the FAK (Fit-Ass Kitty) diet starting tonight. Here’s hoping we survive through the morning…. Adieu!

Posted in Kitties