Posts published during June, 2003

0 comments

June 28, 2003

Luuuuke, Luuuuke I am your Faaaather

So I’ve just gotten back from Disney World… again. Never one to go ga ga over the Mouse, I am a little startled to find that I have been to the D (Disney that is) twice in a three month period. Tally of times I have been to Disney World before this most recent two-time debauchle: 1 – and that’s when I was 14, so it really doesn’t count.

I’ve found out a lot about myself by going on these trips to the Tragic Kingdom… hehe.

I’ve learned:

I can eat multiple “Mickey Premium” ice cream bars in one sitting. (chocolate coating is so delish!)

I am a wuss. I only like baby rides.

I forget I’m an adult when conforted with characters in the park. I get shy. I get weird. I must hug or run away from every chip and dale I see.

I have a favorite villian. Her name is Millificent, and she is the evil witch who transforms into a dragon in Sleeping Beauty. But really, I’ve decided I like all Disney villians – especially scary Darth Vader.

That reminds me, while waiting in line at Video Update this afternoon I saw something which reminded me of hirsute Chewbacca.

While admiring the dark, wavy locks of the woman in front of me, I happened to glance at her exposed legs. I wish I hadn’t, because what I saw will surely
haunt me for a very long time.

This hairy – legged woman had the grossest swirly pattern on her gams that I have ever seen. The hair, like an ocean swell, seemed to rise and wrap in a flowing pattern. Strangeley, the hair didn’t extend around the entire leg, but rather came out long and strong at the ankle and sort of faded out as it rose towards the knee. Also, there was no hair on the back of her legs.

It was as if Bush Woman shaved the back of her legs, but nothing else. Shuddering, I noticed she was wearing a sleeveless shirt. It frightens me to imagine the mess that’s likely lurking beneath this lady’s docile looking JC Penny tank.

Can I just put an “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww” in here?

Thanks

Note to lady: I’m sorry, but if you’re going to put in the effort to brush your teeth every morning… if you’re going to put in the effort to put on a shirt and pants, then please, please go to the effort of shaving your legs. It’s just lazy not to, and is also disturbing to those who don’t perscribe to your uncivilized, Amazonian ways.

Again, thanks.

0 comments

June 15, 2003

Minority Report

At long last I can finally announce that the feminist/lesbian mothers and children have left the building.

I can make this statement with absolute certainty, as at this moment, I am the only person residing in NRE, and can conlusively state that I myself fit none of the aforementioned categories.

And like U2 says, it’s a beautiful day.

It doesn’t matter that it’s 60 degrees out with a heavy gray cloud cover that threatens rain and gloom. I’ve got my cube of cinder blocks to keep me dry and semi-warm. What matters today on this Sunday, is that I am alone. with my thoughts. with my books. without screaming infants rampaging through the hall.

And because I found some humor in it myself, I will now present a list of items left behind from this group. The list includes:
- one quasi-moldy banana (chiquita variety)
- one green apple
- 10 extra large red grapes on one stalk
- one stinky orange *note: each peice of produce was found on seperate floors*
- one Nokia charger
- one harddrive wrapped in plastic
- one gallon of generic water, unopened
- one deck of cheap, slippery cards
- one heavy, orange glazed plate (possibly handmade – in the 70s)
- one medium sized giftbag (expensive type)
- two mechanical pencils
- several childs drawings on paper plates with things like, “Ali, I am sorry for choking you. Forgive?” and “the hours of operation are from 4-9pm” written on them
- two unopened bottles of samuel adams beer
- six garbage bags of dirty diapers in the “daycare center” (imagine my delight when i opened the bathroom to find a half dozen stinking piles of shittiness)
- one handmade butterfly mobile
- and last but not least, one *hideous* bag-lady type dress. 100% cotton, stained, dingy. Lovingly protected by a hefty sinch sack covering and hung in a closet

Honestly, the owner of this funky ass frock would be better off if I just threw it out, rendering it permanently “lost.” But I wouldn’t do that, because I’m a decent human being – not a monkey who leaves piles of dirty diapers to be found by an *extremely* beautiful and unsuspecting building manager who’s wretch reflex would be put to the test…

*ahem*

On that note, I’ve got some plain yogurt and grape nuts with my name on it. Cheers!

0 comments

June 12, 2003

The Art of Zen and Lizard Lips

Yes, my job is giving me kanker sores.
Yes, my legs are extremely itchy where I just shaved them with a dull razor.
Yes, there is a funky smell in the stairwell outside my room.
Yes, I have lizard lips meaning that every few days or so they shed their top layer of skin, resulting in a painful blistering.
Yes, the estrogen level in my building has skyrocket with the arrival of my latest group – a group of 156 feminists, lesbians and children.
Yes, I have reason to complain.

Yet, I will not. Tired of being a cranky wench, I’ve decided to limit my chronic complaining for the duration of my summer. Bickering doesn’t solve anything. The only palpable result of my complaints has been an increased furrowing of the brows.

I can see the positives to this new stress in my life. For example, I now enjoy receiving junk mail.

Every email i get from “quive” prompting me to buy cheap viagra online! is *not* an email from a needy conference guest. Each time “Gifts n pranks” let’s me know about Santa Fart (with a wink and a nod up the chimney he blows!) I relish the fact that it is not a request from a conference sponsor who needs help finding fire and safety information.

This morning, in a rare moment of peace and tranquility, I decided to pop in MTV yoga. I was bending and stretching like a champ, when *gasp* the phone rang. Oy!

So there I am in yoga toe lock, tush towards heaven, head to the floor, and I have to figure out how to answer my phone. While toppling over, I reach for the receiver. A guest is locked out.

Instead of ranting and raving, I took the path less traveled – the path of noncomplaint. Lo and behold, letting her in was no big deal. I quickly went back to resuming my yoga practice, and before I knew it I was in the fetal position thinking zen thoughts. It’s fabulous.

0 comments

June 6, 2003

Bent Over

Computer is reformatted and running very well, if i do say so myself. I wish my work was running as smooth as my vintage 550 IBM.

You see, anything that could happen badly this week, barring nuclear disaster, has occured. This is a typical day this week: I am awoken before 8 am to the sound of a screaming pager prompting me to call the front desk. Undoubtedly when I phone the front desk I will speak to someone who is/is about to be hysterical.

Good F-ing Morning to you too.

Then, I will attempt a ten minute shower and five minute tea time. This is unnatural, because a shower needs to take at least an hour – 15 minutes for wash and rinse, 15 minutes for lotion and clothes, 30 minutes to dry my massive mop of hair. And tea time… normally I require at least 20 minutes.

You don’t expect the queen of England to have a 5 minute tea time, why should it be any different for her royal highness of hännihouse?

After slinging back the tea and throwing on rumpled gym shorts, I will proceed to some office or another where the computer that I desperately need to complete my morning tasks will be either A.) taken by some other poor bedraggled schmuck or B.) will not be working because the server went down

Frantic, I will call, page, and complain for fifteen minutes.

At noon I will attempt to eat lunch with my fellow staff members, only to be interrupted by an urgent page fifteen minutes into my meal. Oh well, who wants to eat the slop they serve at the ‘Trick anyway… I do. *sheds a tear*

Then I will spend the next four hours working on the computer which is now either free, or fixed, but which will have problems with the database which will require a tremendous amount of tweaking. Throughout this process my saving grace will be the soothing eighties cd playing in the e. drive.

God bless you Roxette and Wham for waking me up before you go, go.

And then at the end of a long ass day, I will try to consume my corn dog nuggets and blue juice without having a vietnam vet – like freak out at the dinner table.

Throughout the night I will receive pages informing me that the crazy man in 3g has called the police because the a/c is making him cold, or that rooms 4b and 4c are flooding, or that the ceiling has caved in at 7d.

Such is my life as it exists this week. It can only get better from here – I hope.