Posts published during January, 2002

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January 30, 2002

What part of HELL NO, don’t you understand?

I must have some sort of O-Town psychosis, because last night I dreamed Jacob was performing for me in a kimono. (Nice bed shot, huh?) He was singing a duet with some african american lady, also in a kimono. Oh those boy bands. They are insidious… always interefereing with dreams, and such.

Know what else is insidious? The those slimey creatures known as grodious maxiumus stalkius. I recieved an email the other day from one of these creatures. Back in December I rode the plane with some dude from ROA to SeaTac. (Of course, I hadn’t noticed this kid was on the same planes as me. He mentioned he saw me in ROA and I think he followed me around in Detroit. Eww.) We both missed our connecting flights to Alaska, so we ran around the airport for a while. The duration of our relationship: 40 whole minutes.

So I get his email the other day, and i’m like “who the hell is this?” When he mentioned NorthWest Airlines, I was like “ah ha!” He said he got my info off VT people finder. Us students have another name for this thing: Stalkernet. Anyway, he said he enjoyed his trip, and might be in the area, so maybe we could “hook up.” I didn’t think anything of it, and wrote that i enjoyed alaska, and loved having my angelface with me. I thought it was awkward, but said if he was ever in the ‘burg, we could do lunch.

So i get another email like, oh you have a boyfriend? I could have sworn we had a vibe going on. Uhm, what part of I have a boyfriend didn’t this stalkius being understand? Then he asked if i could meet him in Roanoke, which is an hour away. Yeah right dude, i’ll just dump my hot ass boyfriend who gave me diamonds for christmas, so i can scum around with a grosso marx.

So anyway, i haven’t replied. Am too disgusted. Boys get a clue! and give us girls a break! I understand why women choose lesbianism over men.

Why can’t all boys be like Captain Strange and Zackypants? These guys are really cool. So i’m talking to Zackypoo on the phone last night and I hear scratching in the background. Yes, Captain Strange was over there and he was, get this, playing his zipper! I could hear him complaining “this is just like the harmonica, but i’ve only got two notes: up and down” HA! Then Zacky yells “maybe you should go to open mic night and mic your crotch!”

Oh man, that micing the crotch thing got to me. Now, these are my kind of guys. Totally plutonic, and comfortable talking about their zippers. Well, it got better. When the Captain got bored, I started to hear a string of burps, really nasty ones. It sounded like he was gonna hurl chunks a few times. Well then the Captain did “burping jacks”, and even burped during a plie. Now that’s class!

Lesson: Want to impress the ladies? No need to stalk. Just belch the alphabet. Oh yes.

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January 27, 2002

Sweet Dreams are Made of These

I had the most beautiful dream last night. I dreamed that I took some sort of travelling singing class, which required me to spend lots of time careering around construction sites on a yellow school bus. On the bus, I had the good fortune of sitting of sitting next to the heavenly ashley angel. That’s my blonde boy from O-town.

all for love baby,
{ashely} what I do, I do it for you
all for love baby
baby, my love, it’s all for you
- O-town, all for love

Anyway, this dream was not sexual (matt), just v. nice to be squished in a bitty bus seat with a singing angel.

So my friend Enola emailed today. She told me everytime she sees o-town on MTV she thinks of me, and she thinks of a rap she made up for me. I was forcing her to watch the “o-town, live from New York DVD” over the break. She found the cover of P. Diddy’s “all about the Benjamins” hilarious. She couldn’t stop laughing at the boys rappin’ in their thug-life style. So she improvised her own rap, which went something like this: “I want a real girl, that’s what I want. I want a real girl, … with a real crotch.” Confucious say, lady who talks without thinking say strange things.

That reminded me of the this time. Nolie and I were attending this Japanese class at the community center. There was an old man in our group, Jack. We called eachother with the honorific “san”. So, Jack was Jacksan (jacks – on). Well, one day in church, Nolie was giggling about something Jack had said. From nowhere she goes “his name is like in the karate kid … Jacksan, jacksoff” as she did the little wax on wax off hand thing. She actually repeated Jacksan , jacks off several times before the woman behind us gasped and gave us a look of disapproval. What church lady mistook as a discussion on masturbation was actually good clean fun!

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January 26, 2002

the junior high legacy

ooh, ooh that smell.. that’s the smell that surrounds you… Isn’t that an eighties song? Anyway, I feel like i need to talk about the smell – factor. i am very conscious of smells. I think it all started in eighth grade. I was at lunch, feeling all self conscious and weird, because that’s what eighth graders do. So i’m sitting there pretending i don’t look dumb in my pink and white checked jumper, with it’s contrasting black and white necktie deal, when my dear friend Melissa yells “eww Hänni, you’re breath wreaks dude! You need a breath mint!” And instead of leaving it at that, since everyone was staring at me anyway, she continued to comment on the foulness of my breath, exclaiming finally, “Dude, tomorrow i’m going to bring you some tic tacs – and not just one – a whole box, cause you need it.”

The next day she did bring me tic tacs. That was a real self esteem booster, let me assure you. I think I spent the remainder of that year huddled in corners, praying for friends and better oral hygene. Years later I told melissa how she gave me the complex. She just laughed. She had forgotten all about it.

Do you really want to hurt me
Do you really want to make me cry?
- Boy George

How nice, to be able to forget about that sort of thing. I never have. I always worry about my breath, and consequently do big brushing of teeth twice a day, and mini brushes periodically. Up until the last year, I wasn’t able to leave my room without gum or altoids in my book bag.

So I went to subway tonight. While the food was good, I realize I smell like meaty sandwhiches, so I will change. I wouldn’t want to smell, heaven forbid!

File this under: the smelliest story

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January 25, 2002

Our House, in the Middle of the Street

Hurrah! The apartment hunt has begun, and I think we’ve got a winner folks! So, I’ve been hastling angelface about getting an apartment since November. After much roommate juggling, Larry “who let the jew out” Leve has decided he’ll room with angelface. This is nice, because angelface and Larry are already friends, and both have a common mistress ruling their lives: ie. the computer. The electricity bill is going to be horrendous for the terrible twosome, because, between them, they own six computers – and no, I am not exaggerating.

I used to criticize angelface for his obsession with the more electronic sex, but i figure he can have worse hobbies. Worse hobbies include, but are not limited to: squirrel hunting, crack smoking, sex with stuffed animals, sex with animals in general, and collecting empty beer cans. Here are some

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January 23, 2002

where’s the beef?

Wow, did I pick a winner when I decided to study at VT! Apparently, in addition to being on of the 15 most wired campus’s in the country, we also have the unique distinction of ranking 7th in meat production This is kind of disgusting. Now, i’m no veggiehead, don’t misunderstand me. There’s nothing I like better than some flank steak, but meat being produced en masse is kind of nasty. Every spring the meat department, or whatever they’re called, holds a big, meaty barbeque in a quad. This barbeque always strikes me as horribly un-pc. When was eating red meat last considered okay? Back in the good old days, I suppose. You know, before the Brady Bunch was on Nick at Night, and when June Cleaver and her pearl neclace served huge, steaming pieces of meatloaf to her perfect children? In any event, it’s always amusing to watch the local peta population assault the meat department’s flesh circus, with their hairy armpits and animal rights slogans.

Also, apparently we have the best wood science department in the U.S. Maybe I’m perverted, but i’m reading that Tech’s got meat, and Tech’s got wood, and well I can’t help but giggle.

I just keep thinking of euphamisms for masturbation and erections. For example, you can beat the meat, slap the salami, choke the chicken, or play the meat flute. And wood: you can polish it, sport it, sprout it, pop it, or buff it. You can have morning wood, or even afternoon wood, i suppose.

Of course, i’m not an expert on any of these things – i just don’t have the equipment. Oh man, I can see the after effects of this one. Now all my guy friends are going to feel all uncomfortable around me, because i discussed “wood.” Then they’ll accuse me of being a feminazi, who’s just jealous of the male mechanics. Then i’ll be tarred and feathered in a public square, by billions of sensitive men who want women to leave their erections alone.

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January 22, 2002

who called the Karma police?

Welp, it must be a new record. Blacksburg actually had snow for two whole, freakin’ days, and now it’s melting. Alert the press! Excuse my sarcasm about this whole crappy – hot one day – snowing the next – weather pattern we have going here in the ‘burg. Maybe i’ve been spoiled by growing up in the winter wasteland of alaska. Maybe I just expect too much from my weather systems. I mean, just because i’ve spent approximately 70% of my life bundled in snowpants and mittens, why should i expect that when we get snow here, it should last for more than 2 hours?

It is cute though, that here, when it snows all the college kids run outside and make snowmen and have snowball fights. See, where i’m from, only little kids do that stuff. When you’re seeing this snow junk everyday for 7 months at a time, let’s just say it loses the magic – unless of course you’re 4 years old. If you happen to be above the age of 4, during the winter, you mainly sit inside the house consuming baked goods, watching Emeril Live! That is, if you are lucky enough to have cable, and if the snow doesn’t interefere with the sattelite dish. Statistically, Alaskans are fatter than everyone else in the United States. Just a fun fact: the Baskin Robbins in my little strip mall – of – a – home town was featured in time magazine for being the busiest Baskin Robbins in the entire U.S.

Yum, now I want icecream.

So, i’m going to have icecream for dinner with my pal, Zackypants. Zackypants told me a funny story today, which I would like to relate to you, my dear readers: So ZP was walking to class, and he noticed this real geeky looking guy, riding his bike in the snow. (I did that once, -rode my bike in the snow – and I knew it was a bad idea. Like a lesson from above, I fell off my bike and the resulting ass-bruise I recieved only confirmed the stupidity of my actions) Anyway, so this nerd is riding his bike, and well, the snow is now slushy, and there’s all this mud everywhere. The guy gets off his bike and chains it up. ZP notices that straight from the back of his crisp, red LL Bean polo, to the calves of his ironed khaki pants is a huge brown streak. Bikeboy looked like Peppi Le Pew with his little skunk line climbing his backside. Zackypants said it looked like he shit himself.

Good times. Almost as funny as this afternoon, when i took the shortcut to my rez hall. Being the natrualist snob that I am, I decided to forgo the man-made cement walkways, and trudge through the grass. Well, i noticed it was muddy, but thought “hahaha. I don’t have to worry about mud” b/c i live in a dorm. I mean, people piss in the elevators. Dorms are dirty, and i figured leaving some mud in the hall is better than leaving shit (which also occasionally shows up in random places in the building)

So, i come in and tramp through the building. I get back to my room, and see that angelface has installed a cd burner for me. I admire the burner for a while, and then i go talk to Minh Twin who is, as usual, lazing about his tank. So, i sit around for about an hour before going to class. Well, i’m heading out the door, and notice a huge poo-looking pile of brown stuff on my rug. And then I take a closer look and see that I have tracked mud all over my carpet. It now looks like a crapet, and I don’t have a vaccuum. That’s karma I guess.

Beeb for now. Icecream time!

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January 19, 2002

Rant from the old maid brigade

Snow, like small pieces of a pristine quilt, has finally graced Blacksburg. I awoke at 9:30 this morning to see the white stuff falling heavy outside my window. I really felt like I was home, and even now, 7 hours later we still have snow, and i delight in watching the college co-eds making snowmen and angels in the quad. It’s just so child-like, so pure. I guess I just get kind of sick of the whole collegiate, “i’m a grown up” type-deal, which infers that since you are past the age of 18, but not yet 22, you must live according to these rules:

1. Spend Friday nights like an inebriated angel – with a little drunk halo and misty eyes
2. Ask not what your college can do for you, but who at your college you can do
3. Watch Temptation Island, or Real World, or both religiously
4. Randomly make out in obvious places, such as hallways and study lounges
5. Use profanity whenever possible, as if you’re vocabulary isn’t big enough to use alternate descriptors (just because you’re in F-ing college, dude, don’t mean you can talk good)

I guess I’m an old woman, ’cause I don’t dig “the rules.” I mean the most excitement I have going on in my life, at any given time, would involve sitting in my underwear, and eating chocolate icecream while playing snood.

This “domesticness”, as I like to call it, is a bit unnerving at times. I’d like to go out on Friday nights and get all sweaty and have some dude spill beer on me, but then my Martha Stewart side says “No Hänni, you’ll have much more fun drinking berry winecoolers and watching Ren and Stimpy in the privacy of the 12X14 cubby you call ‘home.’”

And I listen to Martha, because well… it’s a good thing.

*groan*

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January 18, 2002

4 guys, a girl, and a pizza place

Yum, am watching a new N’Sync video on tv. Boys, I want to be your girlfriend.

It’s a very lazy Friday, and I haven’t got much to say really. I kind of wish my home was a little closer to campus (about 3000 miles closer), so I could spend the weekend away. Yeah, i know. I know. I’ve only been back at Tech for 6 days, but I’m already starting to feel a little edgy. One thing that has been fun, was doing the Pizzahutenoff.

The “Pizzahutenoff” is a little something my friends, Larry the Jew, G, and Hino “purple sweater” banzon, and I like to do every once in awhile. Basically, on Thursday nights we go to the Pizza Hut buffet and see who can gorge themselves the most. I am proud to say, during our December Pizzahutenoff, I was won. This is saying a lot, considering i’m the only girl in the group, and am the littlest person as well. Just call me tinkerbell. tee hee.

Last night we did the Pizzahutenoff again. I was really excited about defending my title. I gained a little weight over the break, and therefore have increased my pizza consuming capacity substantially since our last outing. Well, the boys invited their pal Besser, who kicked all our asses. 16 greasy slices of pizza lovin’ later, Bess stumbled out to the Sportage and drove us all home. I just couldn’t compete.

“When I look in the mirror I can’t believe what I see
Tell me, who’s that funky dude starin’ back at me?

Broken, beaten down can’t even get around
without an old-man cane I fall and hit the ground
Shivering in the cold, I’m bitter and alone…

I don’t wanna be a old man anymore
It’s been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin’ booty, makin’ sweet love all the night
It’s time I got back to the good life”
The Good Life – Weezer

Am going to see orange county tonight with SORM. Should be good time.

orange county on the it looks so funny – o – meter: 100%

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January 15, 2002

ASS SEX and trendy handbags

About two years ago, I attended a 4th of july picnic at my friend alaskanlaura’s house. Trying to keep in the spirit of the holiday, I pulled on a red t shirt with the greek letters for ASS (my pretend sorority) on the chest. I thought it was v. cute, because the letters are cut from a fabric with little white stars on it. Well, as soon as I got there, this girl, who i will call AA for Angry Annie, approached me, eyes wide and staring at my shirt. She went off on a ten minute rant about how great it was that i was in a sorority. She confided that she was president of her sorority. I had met her before, but this was the nicest she had ever been to me, so I let her think I was in a “real” sorority. I got bored of her crap-talk about sisterhood eventually, and that’s when i made the mistake of telling her I was actually in a “made up” sorority. ASS actually stood for “the anti sorority sorority.” And then, further throwing salt in her poor sorority girl wounds, I laughed when I told her our brother fraternity was called SEX. “ASS SEX? Get it?” I laughed. She got it, but she didn’t like it.

I saw AA at a couple functions after that, but she always very cold to me, which only confirmed the stereotype of sorority princess as ice bitch. – Hmm, this is v. appropriate, because she is president of an Alaskan sorority. Alaska = icy, get it? – Anyway, over christmas break i had the pleasure of accompanying a group of friends, and AA, for lunch. While there I became v jealous of her kate spade bag . She said she had been given one for a birthday or something, but that now she was really enamored by them, and had started purchasing them on ebay. Oh man, i felt bad. I was jealous of AA. I was, for a brief time, I envied AA. So pathetic.

Well, when I got back to school I noticed that a friend, (who i will remain unnamed), had a red Kate Spade bag. I was V. jealous. She told me she had a polkadot one at home too. I asked how much she paid. Grudgingly, friend informed me that she had paid $25 for the clever knockoff from some street bum in Georgetown. Of course, she doesn’t tell people it’s not a real Kate Spade, and honestly, the labelling and everything is exactly the same as the $300 bag. The real bag.

And then it all became clear to me. I didn’t have to be jealous of AA and her fake Kate bags. Instead, I had to laugh. Undoubtedly AA is paying $100 a piece for $25 imitation bags! Ha!

And the world was good again.

I feel so alive
for the very first time
I can’t deny you
I feel so alive
alive – pod

life ranking on the jealous of AA-o- meter: 0%! (no jealousy here kids)

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January 14, 2002

everybody was feng shui fighting

Today was the first day of classes. I got home at 4, and the first thing I did was put on my pjs. I just couldn’t stand the constriction of my jeans. I mean, i haven’t worn pants for more than 5 hours at a time since finals back in mid December. I know what you’re thinking, pervert. While i haven’t been wearing pants so much, I have been wearing pj bottoms , as a replacement.

So i’ve decided to learn Feng Shui. it’s part of my drive to be domestic, which has grown increasingly stronger since I bought my fabulous milk glass dinner set on sale in November.

The list of future careers now reads: Feng Shui master, mother to challenged child, professional medical experiement, naval officer, stripper, lawyer, and taco bell employee

Over break I bought some green milk glass shakers, a batter bowl and some metal storage cannisters, all on storage, from sears. Nevermind that I have no place to display my wares. Nevermind that I have no kitchen with which to even place my plates. Nevermind these things. What’s important is the deal . I’m a very saavy shopper and if i see 16 plates on sale for 10bucks, i’m not going to turn it down!

On a related vien, there’s this table at Ames, which is going out of business. It’s top is about 3X3, and it has little white tiles on the top, instead of the natural wood. Smug ellie has one, and I am in love. The table is currently about $60 off $100, because of clearance. You can’t even buy a folding card table at ikea for that price. Believe me, I have checked! So i think i will buy it. I defintely can’t fit the table in my 12X14 hovel, but maybe i can store it at angelface’s, when he comes back this summer. Of course, will not tell angelface about purchasing the table, as he would wrinkle nose in disgust at owning furniture that one can’t even put in their room. Boys just don’t understand.

Anyway, back to feng shui, i’m very excited about it.

And back to shopping, I have a great story! Will share it tomorrow, as it is long

What to do after reading this blog: wait in agonizing anticipation!

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