Posts published during December, 2001

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December 18, 2001

hi – yah!

Someone pointed out to me that perhaps my blogs have been a slight bit negative lately, so i’ve decided to make a v. wholesome holiday entry. I really am looking forward to going home at the end of the week. Apparently we got a real tree this year, and there has been like 20 inches of snow, so dad is getting some snowmachines together. I think i probably need a translation here, because I realize that everyone in the United States, the contiguous United States, calls snowmachines “snowmobiles”. I’ve tried to convert myself to using “snowmobile”, but i just can’t. It feels wrong. And you can’t make me change my ways! Not even for a million dollars… well maybe a million… but you definetly couldn’t change my ways by offering me twenty bucks. Twenty bucks plus this sexy mullet man and maybe you have a deal! – Oh my gosh! That’s SORM’s dad!

The force has been unusually strong with me this holiday season. I’ve got the shopping madness, and i’m so good I got everyone’s presents by the last week of November! When I ran out of presents to give, i began to buy presents that other family members could give to each other! Then I started buying graduation presents for my sister and brother. My sister graduates in the spring, and my brother will graduate in 2003. How’s that for preparation! A couple of my friends joked that they are gonna make me a shopping list, and that i have to get all the items on that list, be they chia pets or wax or toothpaste. I have to get all those items on the list for fifty bucks. And you know what I say to that, bring it on! You’re wimpy listing is no match for my ninja – like shopping skills! The best things in life are free young grasshopper, but if you can’t get em free, I know how to get them cheap!

and now for your holiday enjoyment, a story:

?A 7 year old was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good and included Mary, Joseph, and of course, the baby Jesus. However there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable. That just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, ?Oh, that’s Round John Virgin!?

tee hee. So good story!

on that note, I bid you all adieu and may visions of sugarplums dance in your heads this holiday season.

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December 16, 2001

Meet the President

Hey kids, something very important happened today. The 10cent sparkler now has a fanclub, and Dr. Peej is the prez!
so who is Dr. Peej?

I have known Dr. Peej for a few years. He’s a funny guy, and an art major. He likes pickles (just like me!), and of course, he adores Hänni House (the alternate name for the sparkler)

Why did I choose the illustrious Dr. for this position? Well, he told me he loved this blog and my style. “It’s casual, but it’s very charming”, said Peej. So I said, “how much crack have you been smokin, boy?” And P said, “Only enuf to get me high mama. Bout enuf to make me forget bout my baby motha’s lazy ass. I’m like, Damn b! How many times I gots to tell ya, get your ghetto booty off the cizzouch and out the hizzouse? Girl better get a job, i can’t be payin for no new weeve every monf. You know, weeves aint right. I’m always tellin my baby motha, when she comes home with those crazy ass braids ‘girl, that aint right. that ain’t fair. better give that horse back his hair.’”

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Just kidding. No, I said thank you to Peej’s comment about my blog, as my heart beat with tremendous gratititude. Anyway, there was, for a moment, a pause and Dr. Peej, all choked up with emotion said, “I think we just had a ‘moment’”. Did we ever. I was so inspired by Dr. P’s adoration, that I decided to make him president of my fanclub. He graciously accepted, of course.

For his first job as president, Peej asked to gain access to H䮮i House bank accounts, for embezzling purposes. Hmmm. Well, since Hänni House does not have a bank account, I agreed. Then I thought, well maybe Hänni House does have some funding. I told P I had $11 in a paypal account.

Dr. Peej said, as his first task as president he would like to buy himself a “snazzy new suit – one that costs $11.” I told him the best I could do was to give him some cardboard and packing peanuts, and maybe we could make something of that. Peej suggested we get a “secretary of clothing” to make said snazzy suit.

Hmm, suddenly my little blog is turning into a corporation. Is quite lovely really.

What to do after reading this blog: send funds! Corporations aren’t cheap kids.

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December 15, 2001

like sands through the hour glass of time, these are the days of our lives

Well, finals have started, and I must say, i’m very relaxed. I almost feel guilty about it, because everyone else on campus is having a whine and cheesefest. For example, SORM, aided by a sudden bout of the flu, spent all last night cursing Thomas Finney, the creator of his calculus text book. Said SORM, “”I am the ghost of Thomas Finney! I made 12 editions of my book before my death!” Then, accordingly, SORM cursed each of the twelve editions. Of course, SORM also IM’d me at 1 am asking me to bring him my chicken slippers (present from gma) , and alerting me that pet bats were swarming his dormroom. ehm.

Anyway, unlike SORM, i feel great – like the two cent crack whore in her new knee – length, pleather hooking boots; like frat boy who found he didn’t have an STD, that his pee just smelled weird because of the mcfishwiches he ate; like the vamped up drag queen with silver eyelashes in a room full of swaggering gay men; like martha stuart in a doily factory~!

Although I am in a good mood, I still have three finals to complete – including the grant from h-e-double-hockeysticks. Anyway, since I do have some work to do, I thought I would spend this fine saturday studying. and so i sing:

“don’t sit next to me, just because i’m asian.
People all think we’re smart,
but I don’t want to be your friend,
if all you see me for is my intelligent brain.” – bruce lee band

No I’m not really asian. I just wish I was.

Anyway, as these things sort of happen, my actual schedual thus far has gone a little something like this:

8:30 am: Awake, but didn’t want to get out of bed
8:34 am: Urged on by persistent bladder, I got out of bed
8:36 am: Business done, think I should get back into bed, wonder why I am awake in the first place, but then decide to cruise the freebie forums
9:00 am: Consider purchasing $25 worth of products from some makeup factory in Paris, because they are having great sales!
10:00 am: After decision to buy, decide I should get back into bed, because boy am i gonna be tired by mid afternoon!
11:00 am: Still awake, decide to watch talkshows, but ofcourse, there’s no Maury on weekends. Then remember I recorded Thursdays Sally, so pop the tape in the VCR
11:45 am: Turn off VCR and decide to go ahead and stay awake
12:00 pm: IM SORM, ask if he wants lunch. He doesn’t
12: 00 – 12:45: Decide to study, but take a shower instead – cleanliness is next to godliness!
1:00: Get Lunch at Owens, try not to stare too long at the mutants, but can’t help noticing that “Darlene” working smoothies only has four teeth
1:00 – 3:00: procrastinate, blog, procrastinate

What’s ahead? Probably a nap and then I must watch the latest thrilling/vomitous episode of Dawson’s creek.

And what happens friday? I go home to be with my darling fam. I wonder if I have to get my sister’s boyfriend, Matt a Christmas present. What do you get for a boy whose only redeeming quality is that he can correctly rap all the area codes from Ludicris’s “I got hoes (in different area codes)” (fie one three, three oh fo, fo oh seven). Well i guess he’s good at other things too, like not keeping a job, smoking weed, etc. Dur, hope sis doesn’t read this entry.

Hmm, must find out about that present thing though, because I love shopping.

life ranking on the love-shopping-o-meter: 120% WOW! God Bless coupons

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December 11, 2001

why cry when you can eat chocolate cake?

I have been v. emotional this week. Yes, I know it’s only tuesday, but i see a definite trend developing. Euphoric happiness arounnd 2:00 in the afternoon turning into storm clouds by 5:00pm and on to full fledged pissiness by 8. It’s about 7, and although the storm is not yet built up to maximum force, I find that I am reduced to huddling in my wool coat and eating chocolate cake. It’s not so bad really. At least I am warm, and the cake is quite delicious.

So I got comments back on the rough of my draft, which basically read “this is the huggest piece of dog crap i’ve ever seen.” So that’s good. There’s a week to revise, one member of the group dropped out, and the other members are really busy this week – like i’m not, but really, the grant girls i work with are okay. One of em gave me a ride home the other night.

i’m going to borrow an analogy from my friend Joe to describe how i feel about this grant. It’s kind of like having a retarded kid. I really love the it, cause I wrote it, but deep down i hate it cause it totally complicates everything else I have going on. Now i’m going to have a retarded kid. My fish looks a little retarded. He’s all yellow, but he has these black gothic lips that stick out like Mick Jaggers.

he just can’t get no satisfaction.

The list of potential careers now reads: housewife/mother to mentally challenged toddler, professional medical experimenter, naval officer, stripper, lawyer, taco bell employee.

Angelface has a new phone and the ringer sounds like one of those game show noises, like before you win a prize it has those cheesy chimes or whatevuh. love it honey!

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December 9, 2001

To Slack, or not to Slack, That is the question and I’ve got Indigestion

So official last-minute slacking is in full force. I wrote a paper today on “the contradiction of Mao Zedong” in a record time of three hours, from conceptualization to conclusion. Considering I typically spend at least two or three times that much time on this type of paper, this was a big accomplishment. However, I can’t really say anything about the quality of the paper, except that it’s better than anything a learned monkey could compose. Wait! Monkeys don’t compose, even learned ones. Doh.

I want to be a monkey,
monkey monkey monkey
monkey monkey monkey….
would you like to be one to?

when one monkey’s itchy, another is nice
to shake from his back all the vermin and lice
and if he gets hungry, he’ll shake on some fice
and eat the bug without thinking twice
yum, yum!
I want to be a Monkey, from the Ren and Stimpy CD

Speaking of people who have the mental capacity of a baboon, my grant group’s “super senior” has informed us, a week before the final project is due, that he isn’t going to help anymore. Before I vomit all over it, I will excerpt, and translate, from the email for your enjoyment:

“I just want to let you know that at this point I feel I have nothing
further to contribute to the group. I realize that all semester long I have
been more of a headache than an asset to the group, and I feel like in this
last stretch you all will be better off without me. If, when it comes time
to evaluate our group members, Dr. Dubinsky says that I should still be a
part of that, I understand that you guys will all be more than justified in
giving me a pretty low rating.”

Translation = I’m too busy scratching my butt to face up to my responsibilities, and boy is it itchy!. Perhaps I have a disease, hmm. In any event, I realize that all semester long I have been scratching my butt, and I feel that in this last stretch, i need to continue focusing my efforts on the butt scratching. If, when it comes time to evaluate our group members, Dr. Dubinsky says I should be part of that, I understand that you guys may fault me for so persistently scratching my butt and doing zero percent of the work.

“Anyway I wish you all the best of luck finishing up the grant. I hope no
one has any hard feelings, I certainly don’t. After all, its just a class.
Good luck,
Rob”

Translation = anyway, i am very good at bsing – and scratching my self, of course! I hope no one has hard feelings, because I certainly enjoy my scratching pass time. After all, hairy men gotta scratch sometime. Good Riddance, Rob AKA he-who-hopes-to-obtain-a-degree-in-galuteous-maxiumus-scratchius

So I’m eating this OMF (Owens cafeteria Mystery Food), trying to keep it in my stomach, which is a chore as it threatens to erupt like Mt.Vesuvius, in reaction to recieving this barfaronious-type email. I bought the OMF with SORM the other day. As I was eating the rice and sauce concoction, i mentioned to SORM, “You know, they really shouldn’t call this stuff Chinese food.” SORM informed me that, in fact, the OMF actually is not “chinese food’, despite the fact that it came from a place with “wok” in the title. I’m a little horrified.

What you must do after reading this blog: Hail Czarina of Weiners, Inc., Hänni Horn
I got this neat name from flywheel aerospace

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December 6, 2001

give a little bit…

I love moose, but I also love the gap. Their new commercials are so great – I especially like the one with Alanis Morisett.

So on group projects – hate them. I’ve been working for months on a grant proposal with a total cash value of like$1000. Should be no big deal, right? Well let me tell you something, my group consists of a sorority girl, angry animal rights advocate and “super senior”, which is a synonym for total slacker. Because I am the only communications major in the group, they think I can’t write and that my role should be to “talk with people.” I’ve read the stuff they write kids, and it aint always pretty. And I gotta say, when i was younger I always wished i was artistic, with artistic = drawing. and i always was so envious of THE ARTISTE’. but then i learned writing was an art, and i learned that i was pretty good at it. So they can kiss my bootwa for doubting me.

- oh what was that? A late night call from a group member begging me to go to her apartment to help for our 7 am presentation tomorrow. Lovely. Those kids suck.

life ranking on the don’t like my group o’meter – 99.9%

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December 5, 2001

it’s a beautiful day in the IHOH

Welcome to the International House of Hänni!

I love moose. Since I have been away at college, I have developed a yearning for the large cold – weather animal. I clipped out a picture from the Roanoke Times of a Moose looking at a plastic bambi lawn ornament in Jewel Lake, which is in Anchorage and has a good second hand store i frequently haunt. The clipping made me nostalgic for home, and I found myself purchasing a pewter star with moose faces on it from woolrichs this afternoon. I’ve told angelface we will have a moose room in our house – someday when we have one.

I got some great mail today. Two checks from the research firm I do work for… No, it is not for participating in medical experiments that could make my hair fall out, kidneys fail, or cause me to have chronic diahrrea. I just do surveys for new products coming into the market. (Note to self: Look into participating in medical experiments – this could be highly profitable, albeit dangerous to my digestive system, spleen, teeth, etc. But I bet i’d make more than a lousy $10)

I dropped you off at the asylum on a Friday
You looked like hell but I said that you looked OK
You spent the weekend flailing round the trailer
I had to tie you down and strap on you inhaler…
But you’re happy, that’s all that matters
You say your happy, that’s all that matters
Your clothes are crappy and your brain is badly battered
You say your happy, that’s all that matters now
Lunatic to Love, PUSA

The possible list of future careers now reads: Professional Medical Experiment Participant, Naval Officer, Stripper, Lawyer, Taco Bell employee

I also got something from Interstate Batteries that really made my day: a CD copy of a tape they sent my family in 1990 that we loved and lost. Now I have it again, and will surprise mom at christmas, because we all know I LOVE MOM. And interstate – all cool people buy interstate batteries.

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December 4, 2001

she’s mine, for better or for worse

i was all pumped to write a riveting entry about dog show life, when I got distracted. Smug Ellie gave me the coolest present. It’s a little silver neclace with our ASS sorority logo on it. It really is so nice, and this year I’ve been completely spoiled. I think this may be the best birthday year yet! Hurrah!

I talk about smug ellie a lot, but only in snippets. I’ll give a brief history. Smug Ellie was my roommate freshman year, and I didn’t know what to expect. She was pretty great from the beginning, inviting me to hang out with her friends, etc. Then one day, I walked in and she was wearing a pair of victoria’s secret panties on her head, having a conversation with a group of friends who also had victoria’s secret panties on their heads. I didn’t know what to do, so i just left.

Well shortly thereafter, she told me she had a song for me and began serending me to At A Medium Pace by Adam Sandler. It’s v. dirty so I won’t quote completely, but let me tell you a key phrase is “Sit on the corner of the bed and watch me wack off” Then she began singing I touch myself, which is not much cleaner. So here was my darling new roommate singing that when she thought about me she touched herself. That’s when I knew we’d be friends forever.

So she has this ex boyfriend – the pink berry. We don’t like him. He is obsessed with his mother, and i beleive, is secretly a homosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with homosexuality, – as i have often said, after considering a life spent enslaved to the heterosexual males ego – if given the choice between fruit and nuts, why not take the fruit?

Anyway, pink berry who is kicking himself for letting the smug one get away, sent darling ell an email today. (we are happy he is gone. The 10cent sparkler highly endorses prince will of tacobell fame. Noone makes a burrito like prince will – who’s coworkers call him “liam”, and don’t know he is using an alias for work. V. funny really) Here’s what we had to say about dingle berry, i mean pink berry:

ebelle44: speaking of exes…pink berry wrote me an email
hannibehr: oh shitay!
hannibehr: what did he say? would really like to know about it.
ebelle44: he said happy b-day *Smug ell and I celebrate our birthdays together
hannibehr: man whore
ebelle44: it was pretty short
hannibehr: anythinggood?
ebelle44: i wrote him back…said i’m going to school nad stuff
hannibehr: did you say “nad”?
ebelle44: made me sound really cute and nice so he’ll still want me and never get over me
hannibehr: girls are so cruel
ebelle44: haha…no, no NAD…
ebelle44: aren’t we!;-)
hannibehr: i’m going to post part of our convo in my blog
ebelle44: don’t use his name though
ebelle44: he might read it
ebelle44: he’s not blocked from your list
hannibehr: he’s not ?
hannibehr: are you sure?
ebelle44: i don’t know…did you block him?

Happy Birthdays: To Smug Ellie who is 21 just like last year, and the year before… and to Anne Switzer, I remember when she was 17 and now she’s 20! Time to stock up on depends or something. i’m getting old!

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December 3, 2001

new use for toothpaste!

Oh man I only posted once in the past week and a half. I am a loser.

Well i have been very busy doing HW. SUCKS.

Well I had a very lovely birthday. I got a lovely puzzle and cd from annaramma, 22 long stem roses from angelface, aroma therapy cabinet and about forty thousand pairs of satin underwear from step mom. (while it is not unusual to get underwear from step mom for every major holiday, god bless her, this particular batch was a little surprising. Step mom decided to go against her standard issue of racy high cut numbers, and sent me professional lady underwear – fancy brands in pastels with full coverage of the ass and lace edging – I saw grandma had the same sort of thing in her basket last time i visited. Is Step Mom trying to tell me I’m getting old?)

I also got some money, cute nightlight and a sparkly red sweater from Mom and spank. Additionally, angelface’s fam invited me to their house for the b-day and spoiled me with a yummy chocolate cake and a day spent watching lifetime movies. I have a lot of cake left over – about half of the thing actually. So guess what i’m having for lunch? Cake. Guess what i’m having for dinner? Cake. ilovecakeilovecakeilovecakeilovecake.

The dawson update: A few times a year I always say i’m going to quit watching DC, but never get around to it. Well last friday’s episode made me feel violently ill, and again I reconsidered quitting my fav. show.

Stuck to a chair
watching this story …
You make me complete
You make me completely miserable
lit, miserable

Yes, Dawson – big head – Leery dig get with Jen , aka the slut, Lindley! The flirting made chunks rise in my throat and I thought I would vomit. The kissing * god, i’m shuddering to even type about it * was more than anyone should have to endure watching – dawson, with his enormous nostrils flaring, sucked the life out of jen. Like helium from a balloon or air from that plastic woman my bachelor friends keep in their kitchen, jen lindley simply deflated under the durress of Dawson’s vacuum mouth. ICK. oh lord, and the worst part is – they had to go all the way! Yes, they are lovers. *i’m really shuddering now – the revulsion is overpowering*

This stuff is so disgusting, I seriously don’t know if i can take it. Damn you DC writers! You do a lousy job, my pet fish with his ganglia for brains could write a better script.

That reminds me, must feed darling Minh Twin. Then it’s off to give a presentation for a class final. Prep for this class has caused me to break out. Hmm, breakout is close to mouth. maybe i can cover it with toothpaste, so it disguises blemish as merely slopping brushing job. Boo, school is no fun, and repeat, SUCKS.

last fridays DC show ranking on the vomit -o-meter: 100% and rising!