Posts published during October, 2001

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October 28, 2001

7 inch pumps, and the day i became a stripper

As I get closer to graduation, the reality that i must enter the work force looms heavy. In contemplating these matters, I’ve found that talking with people about their fields can provide a wealth of valuable information. For example, I decided the seafood industry was out after spending three months with j. schmerin, a floppy-haired fellow who cursed the day he ever walked into the remote salmon egg processing plant that would become his smelly home away from wifey, mcdonalds, and anything else good in his life.

I’ve found only two people who loved their careers. One, a corporate lawyer, has great life making lots of money and trips to california. The other, has spent the happiest 6 years of his young life slinging fast food at taco bell.

recently, someone new came into my life. I will call her “lisa”, which is her dancing name. It’s not important how I know lisa. What is important is that lisa has opened my eyes to a new and lucrative career option: strip club dancing (in case lawyerdom or taco bell don’t work out). I first met lisa at her apartment, where she cooked an excellent dinner of chicken courdon bleu with all the fixins. i instantly liked lisa, because she made the best asparagus i had ever eaten. lisa struck me as a little shy, but she was very cute and bubbly. lisa asked how much i weighed, which is normally very taboo, but lisa is an exoctic dancer, and talk about weight, height and bust size is considered small talk in her circle. i was pleased when lisa underestimated my weight by ten pounds, which made me like her even more.

Carla the stripper
Straight from L.A.
You look good for a naked Chick in a booth
Let’s be pals someday
Stranger, Presidents of the United States of America

later that night lisa brought out her favorite dancing outfit. the long dress had a flag print. the shoes were fabulous. they had silver glitter straps and seven inch heels – of course, i had never seen anything like it. lisa put on her shoes and danced across the living room in a stripper fashion. it was kind of exciting for me, because this was the closest i had ever been to strip club life. Anyway, long story short, Lisa made me put on her shoes and sashay around the living room. I was a clumsy mess, but I’m sure lisa thought i had potential, as she kept asking me if i wanted to borrow her outfits, etc.

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October 27, 2001

It’s Christmas Time Again

Today has been extremely eventful. What have I done? well, i sat around in my underwear for a while, ate some cheese, instant mashed potatos and plain yogurt (it’s v. cold outside. cannot leave the confines of my room), did some homework (as usual), and watched a horrible episode of dawsons creek. (i will elaborate later)

Why eventful? Because I realized it’s almost christmas.

She was his girl; he was her boyfriend
Soon be his wife; take him as her husband
A surprise on the way, anyday, anyday
One healthy little giggling dribbling baby boy
The wise men came three made their way
To shower him love
While he lay in the hay
Shower him with love love love
Love love love
Love, love is all around
Christmas Song by Dave Mathews Band

i’m so happy. it’s almost christmas for several reasons: (a) today we had the first snow. a few sputtering flakes of white, but it was definetly snow. (b) it’s gotten cold like its winter. (c) i went to visit m䴴 and he was wearing a “santa’s helper” t shirt. (a)+(b)+(c) = time to put in the christmas cd and hang some lights – am currently listening to “blue christmas” and am fighting with little white lights.

This wil be a blue christmas in dawson’s creek.

In Episode 503 Dawson makes the life altering decision to quit film school in LA and move to Boston, so he can be closer to Joey, his soulmate. Of course Joey and Dawson aren’t in a relationship, and I don’t see them being in one for a very long time. Dawson just feels that it’s right. Well anyway, he goes home to tell his Mom and Dad. His Dad is angry and tells him he is disappointed in him, and not to forget that Dad loves him. Then Dawsons’ dad turned his back and left. As Dawsons is driving out of their driveway, towards Boston, you see Dad in the shadows, watching Dawson with such an intense look of sadness, i couldn’t take it. I was glad they cut away to the next shot fairly quickly.

Well in the last twenty seconds of the show, you see Dawson’s dad driving along the highway at night singing to some happy tune. He’s eating icecream. As he’s bopping around, his hand hits the stearing wheel causing the icecream to fall. and i already know what’s going to happen, I just can’t believe it. Mitch looks at the fallen icecream, and when he looks up bright lights are in his eyes. the music gets really intense. screen goes black. and he’s dead. stop all the clocks. the funeral is next week. I just feel like such crap, because the last interaction Dawson had with his dad was one of disappointment

it’s a bittersweet symphony, this life – the verve

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October 24, 2001

love letters

Today before staff meeting, this random dude walked in my room and began questioning me about relaxation and positive mental health. His name was G (not hino’s G), and he was a bit creepy. He kept saying “i totally know what you mean” and reaching, arms outstretched towards my knee or whatever. I talked a lot about my boyfriend and being in love. He thought Blake was a great guy, and “wanted to meet him”, which is kind of weird. then he told me he could “anchor” me, which means i could by hypnotized to feel an emotion by touching a specific part of my body. apparently this guy is studying hypnotism on the side – yes its random. anyway, he was kind of hypnotizing me in his normal speech. he snapped his fingers in front of my face, and i felt like i was in a daze. his two weirdo guy friends came in, and they looked spaced out as well. maybe he hypnotized him too. he eventually left when i told him i had a meeting to go to, but pledged he would be back to anchor. i’m suddenly frightened though. what if he hypnotized me? no, i didn’t close my eyes and visualize things. i stayed coherant and kind of watched this wack sit and talk. but what if i’m hypnotized and i dont know it? damn him! seriously, this is a scary proposition.

i will fight the evil powers of hypnotism that have prepared to invade my brain. luckily, after hypnosis i went to a bustling, well lit staff meeting. if anything can take your mind off the weirdness, its time spent under fluorescent lights with 11 people who are like your new and freaky family. anyway, i doubt any of them read this, but they are really great. we did a little staff development (or staff d, as us hipsters like to call it) activity, where we wrote nice things about each other. mine says things like i have a great attitude, am extremely interesting (this is particularly flattering to me), and is “always cheerful, yet not airheaded”. these little things are important, because i too often get in the crankiness rut. I try not to write about the negative things happening in my life, or at least i try to make them funny, because i don’t want to let my bad times consume every area of my life. i’m happy that people don’t see me as the grumpy gus that i am when i’m in my room by myself, overwhelmed by some insignificant thing or another.

task for readers of this blog: tell some one you adore that they are the greatest
task for SORM in particular: stay away from me frosted lucky charms!

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October 23, 2001

crisis averted

well good news! I dont have to be in crisis about graduating in december, because i’m not going to! i went to my advisor today.
Waggs (advisor) : hi hanni, how you doing?
Me: well, i’m feaking out
Waggs: oh, well you’re always freaking out.

its true!

anyway, i’m dumb and forgot about elective requirements, so now im forced to stay in college forever!… well not forever, but for an extra semester, thank you lord! I was so happy, i felt like jumping on waggs’s desk and doing a happy jig. i didn’t think it was wholly appropriate though.

on a more interesting note: while i was in the bathroom, enduring a painful reminder care of the huge amount of dairy i ate yesterday, i got a notion. it’s a well knowned fact that some people really enjoy looking at feet – in a sexual way, that is. Well, if there is a such thing as a foot fetish, couldn’t there be such a thing as a hand fetish? I mean, there are hand models after all. well, i was lookin at my hands and decided if they were porn hands, they’d defintely be of the hardcore XXX variety – the kind real perverts would drool over. You see, they have big knuckles and are slightly discolored in spots. the nails are the worst. They’re all different sizes, and peeling at the tips. i keep thinking i should file the damn things, but no, it’s too much work.

also, a new guest writer. not that we dont love

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October 22, 2001

only flamingo socks can save us now

well i don’t have smug ellies family problems, but i’ve got the plane ticket problems. i accidently had my christmas plane tickets sent to my old address. i have met the girl who lives in my previous cinder block hovel, and am sure she’d give me my tickets. yet, i am too lazy to walk the 100 yards to get from my place to hers. this is a considerable problem. i would totally call her, but i dont remember her name. i would email, but if i dont know her name, it would be hard to get an email address. sure we have mutual aquaintances who could give me the info, but that would require contact with an intermediary which is definetly too much work.

so anyway, i’m also going through a mid life crisis. yes, i’m only 21, but im probably just really mature. haha. But anyway, yes, mid life crisis. i’m going through it. i’ve discovered i’m graduating next december. instead of being happy, i’m all freaked out. i gotta find a job! uh oh. and thanks to osama bitch ladin, jobs are especially tight right now. great news right? i also gotta figure out where i’m gonna live. sure i could be an RA for one semester, but say i end up staying in bburg post graduation? I will have no place to live, because apartments get leased like a year previous to inhabitance. and then i’m like can i stay in bburg after i graduate? will that make me a townie loser? and if i did get an apartment who would i live with? all my girlfriends have been living off campus for a while with each other – it’s a kind of no-room-in-the-inn situation. I can’t live alone. i get lonely living in my hall of 75 people!

i think i’m just not going to get an apartment lease. and by the spring, i should have some sort of plan and then i can worry about an apartment, if necessary. then i can live with people i dont know and maybe they will be manic depressives, satan worshippers, or worst of all – owens food court employees! God help us.

Well, i dont really know what to do. Got suggestions?

shout outs: to people who leave me love notes on my eraseable board. i totally love that.

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it’s time to play the feud

so we’re having a family feud and it’s apparently all my fault. i just (in the last 45 minutes) spilled a secret that upset a certain person, was cursed out by another person who found out i spilled the secret, became aware that another person is thoroughly pissed off at me because of the whole ordeal. i didn’t know the “secret” was such a big deal that was going to be totally blown out of proportion so now i’m being blackballed by a fair number of my extended family that ranges halfway across the country. i actually thought initially that the one i spilled to was already aware of the secret and just wanted to confirm it with me. and honestly, what can one REALLY do when a senior member of the family curses you out? according to this person, i am an “asshole” who did this “for kicks.” yes, i TOTALLY get off on saying things intentionally to hurt loved family members. ah…but i’ve learned that one also cannot rationally explain something to a person acting irrationally from years of living with my mother. not that my mother is a bad person. she’s usually quite fun…but when she gets on a roll, there’s no talking to her until she calms down. i’m also not talking about my mother in this particular instance. and to top it all off, i have decided BY CHOICE (no matter how ridiculous it sounds) to lose out on $450. short explanation: i was going to go on a trip to visit certain persons in question, thanks to the generousity of another person in question. however, at this point, i want NOTHING to do with any of these people, nor do i want to be indebted to anyone. i’ve got non-refundable plane tickets in my possession, paid in full, that i really do not feel like using. so bye bye $450, b/c i’m really considering paying it back, not going, and THAT is THAT. oh, and thank you so much osama, you asscrack, for making it impossible to give my tickets to someone else. they are also non-transferrable. you will rot in the firey pits of hell one day and i will laugh and dance on your grave.

lovely.

and you know what? i’m pretty fucking pissed off myself. yes, FUCKING. i said “fucking” and i don’t care! is that going to be a fucking problem?

smug? hardly.
ellie

one last thing before i retire to an uneasy sleep. we think my sister’s 15 year old friend is knocked up. she’s a whore. that’s all.

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October 19, 2001

newly gay and in love

So i had the most mahvelous evening with hino “deez nuts” banzon. Over dinner Hino divulged that he has the hots for this cutey philipino gurl. Hino brought her purple roses for her birthday, because purple is her fav. color. (my favorite color is red for those of you who wish to send flowers for my b-day Dec. 2, when like smug ellie I will turn 21) Anyway, hino has been doing all these super cute things that guys do when they are chasing their ladies. Yep, he’s kicked into mr. sensitive mode, and i like it! While it gives me enormous pleasure to discuss pretty things with hino, it simply gives his roommate G serious, raging heartburn.

A recent conversation between G the single playa, and love sick hino went as such:

Hino: dude, your dresser would be really cool if it was multicolored, like if the drawers were red and yellow, or something.
G: (eyebrows raised) and how would i get a multicolored dresser?
Hino: we could do it ourselves. like get some paints from walmart. it would be fun.
G: (seriously alarmed) Dude, this girl turned you gay. Damn hino!

Oh to be newly gay and in love.

Shout outs: to everyone who has checked up on me. I love you all.

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October 13, 2001

so it’s only october

i was talking to my mother earlier today and she mentioned that she was going to strangle a woman she works with named pat. i was rather taken aback at this outburst, as had always thought pat to be a very nice and friendly sort of lady. ma-gene informed me that she had learned pat had not only completed this year’s christmas shopping 2 1/2 months early but had everything WRAPPED, ready to go, and would endure no stress in the coming months regarding the holiday season. in the hours since i was made privy to this information i have thought long and hard and believe that i, too, would enjoy closing off pat’s air supply with my own bare hands as well. i am feeling rather ill about this since as previously mentioned, i think pat is an extremely good sort. i am also becoming increasingly stressed out about december’s rapid approach. thankfully, i will be turning 21 at the beginning of the month (as will h䮮i…just go with this, please). i am broke. dead broke. no, i’m not trying to be cute or funny or endearing. might likely be on welfare soon and i have a sinking feeling that this year’s gift-giving will consist of hastily crocheted scarves, hats, and perhaps mittens if i can figure out how. if lucky, i shall be able to purchase a thoughtful and possibly tropical-themed novelty for my own “angelface.” am now feeling a bit ridiculous for already giving him a scarf. have really jumped the gun on that one. is not as if i can go back and say “oh yes, by the way, that was supposed to be for christmas…” gaah!

as a result of this, am furiously listening to christmas carols by the mormon tabernacle choir and racking brain trying to scrap together some gift ideas. i feel rather about mormons the way h䮮i feels about canadians–POORLY (with the exception of those canadians who laminate pictures of american flags and post them on the backs of motorhomes.) am not in the least a fan of mormons but am quite fond of their tabernacle choir.

favorite christmas songs: o holy night and carol of the bells…and you?

might as well make lemonade out of lemons…while we’re at it, let’s b.s. about world peace. if you say nothing, i will take it to mean you are an avid supporter of the antichrist–one of the devil’s own evil minions bound for hell in a handbasket. how’s that for inspiration?

a bit less than smug, under a smidge of duress, yet thinking longingly of frothy and heavily spiked eggnog,
your ellie

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October 11, 2001

northern pikes and other oddities

For today, a tribute to one of the greatest eighties bands that you’ve probably never heard of: the northern pikes

I grew to love the Pikes with their melodramatic, teen angst, eighties new wave sound in my childhood. Serial killer dad (who posts comments under flyrodking) is a fishing fanatic, and when my brother nicky and i were little, we’d all three take long trips out to these remote rivers. We traveled to places so far out there you couldn’t get a radio station, so we listened to whatever tapes dad had. dad had some weird tapes. We listened to a lot of Radiohead’s Pablo Honey (this is before Radiohead got big), the first batman soundtrack, Eddie Brickell, and so many other indescriminate bands. Our favorite tape was Big Blue Sky from the Northern Pikes. The lyrics were sooo cheesy. For example in “teenland” the intro goes something like “give me a kiss, give me a kiss, i want to find out what i missed” and in “dancing in a danceclub” the singer, very seriously sings, “you go up, up. you go down, down. you go uh uh uh up, down, down, da da da down..” about his dance moves. Funny, but what is hilarious is the dramatic and serious tone in which the Pikes sing with the 80’s cheese guitars in the background.

For a long time, i shunned all 80’s music, (except the cure, because I am obsessed with Robert Smith.) Anyway, yes i hated on the 80’s and made fun of anyone who liked Pat Benataur or A -Ha, and then one day about a year ago, i started humming “teenland.” I got the Blue Sky CD, burned a copy for s.k. dad and have enjoyed a rejuvenated love since. And even when i learned they were Canadian, i still liked them. That’s true love.

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October 10, 2001

cheese rant

I hate owens food court. i hate it with a passion. i hate the crummy little food court which smells rank and has low-quality “food” . The only reason i went to owens today, was because it is v. close to where i live. additionally, today has been a v. rough day. i got five hours of sleep last night because i had to help angelface pack cause he’ll be gone for the next 8 months or so. because it’s been such a rough day, i just needed to quietly grab some food and go.

well considering the meat products served at owens have a 50% chance of going me diarreah, i thought maybe i should try something veggie. the salad bar is a great tragedy, with its mounds of pre – frozen iceberg lettuce and flavorless cucumbers. The sliced mushrooms are bitter, the bacon bits soggy … it’s just no good. so i figured i’d have a veggie sandwhich, which has proven to be a good idea in the past. the first time i tried a veggie sandwhich, i did it because i had an overwhelming urge to pretend i was vegetarian. there was no logic to it, i just wanted to see what it felt like to say in a snobby voice “oh no meat on that.” to be honest, it was kind of exciting. for a moment i was an elite. i didn’t eat meat and it wasn’t any of their business why, but they were free to speculate. for example, they could imagine that i was an animal rights activist who hated the sight of pre – sliced deli meat, or i could have been raised to be elitist by my vegetarian elitist family and had never tried a piece of corned beef or pot roast.

Another great thing about the veggie sub was the price which was $1.90, compared to the meat sub which is a $2.95. So i’ve had a few since then. I usually get lettuce and onions, green peppers and mayo. i also like to have about three slices of cheddar cheese on that. i definetly don’t want american “cheese” to touch my sub, cause let’s face it, american cheese is just a fancy name for kraft singles, which is just a fancy name for square of processed chemicals and oil. yum.

so today, in my half – crazy state, i made the mistake of stumbling into owens. i got in the sandwhich line, said snootily, “i dont want meat on that” and got only two slices of cheese *gasp. further the “cheese” turned out to be american! *double gasp! So the dude puts a big “V” on my sandwhich and i proceed to the payment line. the cashier was fat and pasty faced with a bad perm. she asked if i had cheese on my sandwhich. uh oh. i had noticed on the sub sign that there was a new “cheese sub” designation and price. that price was $2.90, which is a huge rip off. for that price, my cheese better be made of gold. anyway, i replied to bloated poodle head that i kind of did have cheese on it, but because it wasn’t it wasn’t real cheese it didn’t count. i watched her sausage fingers move toward the “cheese sub” button and quickly interjected that my paltry 2 slices of “cheese” did not count as a meat substitute and therefore charging me almost $3 was insane. miss fatty two – shoes used the old “i just work here” excuse and rung me up anyway. that was just wrong. she should know to be nice to me today, i’m feeling very vulnerable.

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